We are still in the same spot as we were last night. Just waiting, and waiting, and waiting. That has to be the hardest part right now. I get really anxious each morning before I come in and see her hoping that she has lost enough fluid to start weaning her off of the vent again. But it looks like she is still puffy. I don't understand why with all that the doctors have done that the fluid won't GO AWAY. I want to go home with all of my babies. I think I have hit that mark where I can not stop thinking about home. I don't want to be here anymore...I don't want Ava to be here anymore, I want us to be home. With each day that passes I start wondering if we are even going to get to go home before her next surgery. She is already almost 6 weeks old and her next surgery will be when she is 6-8 months old. I know that may seem like a long time to others but we have already been here for over a month and who knows what will happen when she finally comes off of the vent. How long will it take for her to eat by mouth or for the doctors to decide whether she needs a g-tube (feeding tube)? I have no idea how I did this for 11 months with Kaden. I think I just got use to that life style. I was able to hold him and cuddle him and that (I am sure) made it easier. I feel selfish thinking this way, especially knowing that little Ava is the one going through the worst of it all. I just want to take her HOME where she can be cuddled and loved on. I want to be the one taking care of her and around her 24/7. It is so hard to leave her at night, I (as a mommy) have to put my trust into someone else to take care of her. I know these nurses are great (most of them), but nobody cares about a baby more than their mommy and daddy. Today my heart skipped a beat when one of the nurses gave Ava her med. She went to put it through her IV, rubbing the hub down with alcohol. When the syringe didn't fit, I asked her if that med was suppose to go into her feeding tube. Yep, it is. So she picked up the syringe that is used to flush the IV from Ava's bed and put it back into the hub without rubbing it down with alcohol. For some that might seem like a minor detail, but this is how people end up with infections in their blood. Here is my dilemma...Ava has her for the rest of the day and I am always nervous that when you mention something to the charge nurse (in this case it would probably be the other nurse assigned to Ava because the nurse I am talking about is a trainee) will the nurse taking care of her hold a grudge towards her because her mommy is a "tattletale." What do I do? I know she needs to know, but....
I feel bad complaining, I have been just a little grouchy lately. I have not been able to sleep the last couple of nights. I go to bed tired but start thinking about all of the "what ifs" of life. I hate it, no matter how hard I try not to think about them they creep into my mind. I think this hospital stay has made me start realizing things that I have been naive to lately. Never mind, I don't want to get into it.
Please continue to pray for Ava's recovery. Thank you
Do Not Worry
9 years ago