I can not believe that you are one today. It is unbelievable to me how time can go by so fast, but at the same time seem so slow. There is not a day that goes by that we do not think of you and wonder what life would be like with you here with us. I can only imagine all the things you would be getting into right now. Oh, and to see you dig into your first birthday cake, I am sure it would have been a sight to see.
You have touched our hearts. Your fight was amazing, but God had other plans for you. Sometimes it is hard to understand exactly what they were, but I think that your story is helping other families whether or not they may be going through the same things that you went through. You are an inspiration to mommy and daddy. You and your bubby have taught us so many things that others never would have. I hope that you felt the love we have for you while you were here with us and continue to feel it. I also hope that you understand that we had the best intentions in every decision that we had to make for you. Although I would rather have you here with us (I know that may sound selfish)I want to thank you for not leaving the decision up to mommy and daddy. I know that may sound harsh, but I don't think I could have ever had the strength to make that type of decision. I know that you fought as hard as you could for each day you were here with us and I could not ask for anything more. The 3 1/2 months you were with us, although hard and short, are days I will never forget.
I do have a hard time remembering little things, like how you felt in my arms, how soft yours skin was, the sound of your cry. However, I will never forget the love I have for you and the beauty that surrounded you. I think about all that we are going to miss not having you around. I think about how daddy feels about not having is little girl, how he won't be able to scare away your first boyfriend, or how he won't be able to walk you down the aisle. I hear songs that speak of daughters and it makes me miss you even more. They say with time that the heart heals, although I am not sure how true that is. I do think with time that it just becomes more of a reality.
Well baby girl, Kaden and I need to finish getting ready so we can go pick up your daddy and start to celebrate your birthday. We love you more then words can express and miss you terribly. I hope you love all the balloons you will be getting today. I know Kaden is excited to send some to you. He wants to bring you flowers too!!! I know that he misses you so much.
Love you always and forever, Mommy, Daddy, Kaden and baby Brody
This coming weekend is approaching fast...too fast. Ava's birthday is just a few days away. Please help us celebrate her life by sending balloons her way. I have had a few people ask me what color I think she would have liked. I think that she would be like her big brother...in which color doesn't matter, just the joy of the balloons themselves. However, she was definitely my "pretty in pink" girl (ok, she was pretty in any color, but my favorite was pink, maybe it's a girl thing).
So Friday, we have an appt in KC for Kaden's pre-admissions stuff. It is also my mom's 21st ; ) birthday. Saturday, of course, is our angels birthday and then Sunday we are headed back to KC to stay the next couple of days for Kaden's bronch. We have decided to go up on Sunday because it is about a 2 hour drive and it seems we happen to be first case every time. It's just easier to stay the night up there the night before. I continue to be concerned about how things are going to go (emotionally). With it being so close to Ava's birthday doesn't help anything. I worry about how Kaden will be feeling and if he will be able to express his thoughts about any of it. My heart breaks just thinking about what could go on in his head. One of us, Nate or I, will stay in the PICU with him over night. I couldn't imagine leaving him there by himself, I am sure that would be a very scary experience for him that I do not want him to go through (for any young child at that). Again, it makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it.
Well, then we will come home Tuesday. I'll go back to work and hope that Brody comes soon so I can take that maternity leave. I NEED a "break", work is stressing me out on top of other things.
One more thing... I got a something in the mail awhile back about making a quilt block in memory of Ava to be used at the CMH. I don't know how many of you have seen the memory quilts they have hanging in the hallway, but that is what it will be used for. So anyway, I finally got ours done, (I know, last minute) but now I have to get it to the chaplain. I plan on calling her tomorrow to see if I can just bring it to her Friday or if I need to send it overnight. We will see. So, for those of you who visit the hospital...keep your eyes opened. I don't know how long it will take for them to put the quilts together, but if I hear anything I will let you know.
I had a doctor appt today. The baby is still growing, but I already knew that!!! I am dialated to 1cm. I know, it doesn't seem like much, but it sure made me happy to know that I am not just experiencing the contractions without any progress. I'll take it. I still have 3 1/2 weeks left until my due date, so we will see if he comes a little early, whether on his own or at the request of the doctor.
Sleep just keeps getting harder and harder to come by. Who needs sleep, right? I know they say it is to prepare you for when the baby comes, but I really think that is unfair. I think Kaden is getting on a different schedule as well. The little stinker woke up a little after 5am yesterday morning and didn't want to go back to sleep. Actually, he has been getting up when I get up for work and he is normally my sleeping buddy on the weekend, sleeping until at least 9. Maybe, he knows things are changing. He is doing really well in school. He actually has a bronch coming up so we will be at CMH the 2nd and 3rd of Feb. for that. I am not looking forward to it. One reason, I do not know how he is going to react being in the PICU after everything with Ava. Second reason, I don't know how I am going to feel about being in the PICU after everything with Ava. I knew that the time would come, I just wish it didn't have to.
Which brings me to my next topic. Ava's birthday is going to be here in about a week. I can't believe that she will be one already. It makes me so sad to know all that we missed with her this past year. Well, we have decided to do a balloon release to celebrate with her. It is so hard to think of ways to celebrate a special occassion like this without her here to celebrate it with. Please join us, as there are many of you who follow along in our journey, and release a balloon for Ava. We would love to see pictures of you all with your balloons so that we can put it in Ava's scrap book. You can e-mail them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I think that I am going to do cupcakes and things with our family, but haven't thought of all the details. I want to thank you all for being (in a way) a part of our family, although we haven't had the pleasure of meeting most of you. I will put a reminder up for Ava's birthday the closer we get to it. Thanks again.
Finally, I have been able to change the background. It was driving me a little nuts, that with other things like HORMONES. So, now I will go with the Valentines theme, I know it is a little early, but who knows how much time I will have to do things in the near future.
I continue to be uncomfortable. Sleep is getting harder and harder to come by. Seriously, how many pillows does a pregnant women need to get comfortable??? I guess it probably would help if I didn't sleep between two bed hogs (aka Nate and Kaden), but in the non-pregnant world that is the best place to be :). I don't know if my stomach can take too much more, ok, well my whole body. I am so sore, almost all of the time. I can't get up without regretting thinking it over and then regretting it. However, most of the time I do not have a choice of staying where I am. I wake up almost every hour to roll over, the whole time saying "Ow Ow Ow" and moving little by little. I know, I know, I am complaining, but right now I feel I have every right too : ). I will be in complete shock if Brody isn't close to Kaden's weight, although I don't remember feeling so awful back then, but hey, that was over 4 years ago.
I am so excited to meet this little guy. I am really excited to see Kaden with him. I think he is going to do very well with him. I am nervous about making sure that Kaden feels loved and not left out. Nate is busy with building the house right now, so I think I will be here with the boys by myself quite a bit, and I just want to make sure that Kaden has enough attention from mommy.
Today, my mom, Kaden and I went shopping for part of the day. We didn't get too much. We actually went to get my birthday present, however I couldn't find exactly what I was looking for. We went to a furniture store and looked around. We ended up by the children's furniture and Kaden found a bunkbed, his size. He was able to get on it and off of it by himself. But yes, we have received the furniture you all helped him get (some of you have been asking about it), we just haven't put it up yet because we have decided to wait until we get into the new house. I did remind him that he already has a big boy bed and when we get into the house he will be sleeping in it, which I am excited for but nervous about at the same time.
Other then that, I finally started getting into the "nesting" stage. However, I am so tired and sore all of the time it is hard for me to actually get going. Oh, one day...maybe.
I know a lot of the blogs I follow and vice-versa use the cutest blog on the block for their backgrounds...so I was just wondering, is anyone else unable to get on their site. I have been waiting for awhile to change my background and have not been able to get on their site. Any advice???
I have been wanting to change my background for the last couple of days, but unfortunately the site I use is down right now. It is driving me a little on the crazy side. Hopefully within the next few days I can get it done, however, by then I will probably be a too lazy.
Well, yesterday I had a doctor's appt. They asked if I was having any contractions and I told the nurse that I didn't know if the were braxton hicks or real ones. So the doctor checked me. I was not dilated yet (which is fine with me b/c it is still kind of early) but he did say my cervix is softening. He then measured the baby. After doing so, he sat down and shook his head. He then says..."I don't know Amy, he is a big baby." He asked me how big Kaden and Ava were. I am confused about this part...he said something about the baby being 8.5-9lbs. Then he said something about having him at 38 weeks. He said that they will probably do an ultrasound at this time and see how big he is and decide from there. I am confused because when I first heard the 8.5-9lbs Nate and I figured he was talking about how much he felt Brody might weigh at birth. Well, then I started thinking, I told him how much my other two weighed and that I had no complications so why not just let me go until Brody decides to come on his own. So now I am wondering if he is thinking that he is at that weight now and that is the reason for his expression and comment after measuring me/baby. It would totally explain why I am as uncomfortable as I am. No joke. Today I woke up and could barely walk...ok, move. If I didn't know any better I would think that I was going to have him any day...like he is just going to fall out of me (ok that was probably too much information).
Today, I took out all the clothes that my mother and I bought, as well as the clothes that others gave us and separated sizes and did a lot of washing. Brody should be good for the 3-6months size. I am so excited. Baby clothes are the best!!! I can not wait to put them on him. I think I already have his "going home" outfit picked out!!! So now, I need to get everything else!!! After the appt. I started thinking, 38 weeks, that is in like 3 weeks from now. Not much time to get everything done and bought. Why am I such a procrastinator???
I have two things I would like from all of our readers...
First of all, I am amazed at how many readers we have. It really touches my heart to know that my babies touch yours. I can not believe how many people log on and read each day. I am very curious to know who you all are and how you found our blog (if you remember, I can't remember how I have found others myself). So please, leave a comment and let us know...
While your at it, I would like for you guys to guess a weight for baby Brody. My mom, grandma and I were talking about it tonight, here are their guesses...
My mom - 1st guess 10 lbs 13 oz, after I gave her a look like she was crazy she changed it to 10 lbs 3 oz but she thinks he will be around 26 in....I never heard of a baby that long : ) I think she is a little tired!!!!
My grandma - 9 lbs 8 oz
Me - hopefully big enough, but not too big. I will be surprised if he is not close to Kaden's weight and height.
Just a little background info: Nate was just a little over 10 lbs when he was born
Me, well I was 8 lbs 1/2 oz and 21 inches long
Kaden - 9 lbs 13 oz and 23 inches long
Ava - 8 lbs 8 oz and 20 1/2 inches long (I was told 8 lbs 7 oz however it was written at 8 oz)
Baby Brody - ??????? On the last sono I was exactly 26 weeks and he was measuring at about 29 weeks 3 days.
While I am talking about baby weights, did you all see the baby who was born weighing 14 lbs...that I would like to stay away from!!!
So, leave a comment and let us know who you are, how you found us and your guess on Baby Brody's weight!!! It will be very interesting and fun for us to read. Thank you for your time!!! For those we already know in the blogging world, we would still like to hear from you too!!!
I hope everyone is having a great New Year so far!!!
I might try to post a recent picture of the belly to give you all an idea of how big I really am, tomorrow.
I have a lot to say about 2008. We have been through highs and lows (about as low as any parent could get). I am excited to start a new year and look forward to experiencing the new gifts life has to give us.
Kaden, You have grown so much over the last year. What a big boy you are becoming. You have learned to walk and continue to work on the potty training, but I know in your own time you will get it (hopefully sooner then later). You continue to amaze mommy and daddy with how incredibly smart you are. You have been working so hard to come off your vent, unfortunately the bronchitis you had still has it's affects on your lungs which is making it difficult for you to come off your vent for very long.
You have taught mommy and daddy so much. I only pray that you feel how special you are to mommy and daddy. We love you so much. For your four years here with us, you have been through a lot. Not only with what you have gone through but watching what your sissy has been through and then all of us as a family. You give mommy and daddy incredible strength, you must have some type of superhero powers. You are definitely mommy and daddy's hero. We are so proud of you and feel so lucky that you are OUR son. The love we have for you is undescribable, it goes way beyond words. I pray that your 2009 is filled with nothing but greatness for you. You deserved every bit of it.
We love you so much. You are very special and we are very lucky to have the pleasure of watching you grow, learn and just love you.
Love you always and forever, Mommy and Daddy
Angel Ava, Although you are not physically here with us, your memory is always with us. We miss you so much. Even with the outcome, we are glad you came into our lives (like the song "The Dance"). Thank you for fighting as long as you did, just so mommy, daddy and bubby could be with you a little longer. This year has gone by so fast. I can not believe that you will almost be one. It is unbelievable to me.
I feel like you were here so long ago, I think because of how much I miss you. However, I remember every detail of the night I had you. I remember how fast you came into this world. I remember how much I was shaking when I was holding you after you were born and giving you to daddy because I was scared I was going to hurt you or something because I couldn't stop shaking. I hope you know how proud daddy and I are of you. You are an amazing little girl who touched many lives (you take after your brother in that department!!).
I thought about you a lot tonight. I wish you could have celebrated with us, even if you were already in bed like your bubby. Your so precious to us and our love for you will never fade, no matter how many years go bye.
March 31st is Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia Awareness Day. Please wear turquoise this day for Kaden and all of the other's who have been diagnoised with this birth defect.
Jan. 31, 2008 to May 7, 2008 You are in our hearts and will be forever. We love you baby girl and miss you so much.
Our Big Boy
We love you bubby.
While we try to teach our children about life, our children teach us what life is all about. (author unknown)
Special Angel In Heaven
There's a special Angel in Heaven that is a part of me. It is not where I wanted her but where God wanted her to be.
She was here but just a moment like a night time shooting star. And though she is in Heaven she isn't very far.
She touched the heart of many like only an Angel can do. I would've held her every minute if the end I only knew.
So I send this special message to the Heaven up above. Please take care of my Angel and send her all my love. -Author unknown
A WALK TO REMEMBER
I walk to remember the steps you'll never take. I carry you with me as I firmly plant my feet. Our trek started long ago, before my belly swelled. You were a love that grew-like butterfly wings that beat. Your gentle flutters than became kicks upon which I would dwell. And I would talk to you, sweet babe, about the world you soon would meet. The sun always shown upon us then-when you were in my womb. And I was eager to show you the world that would have been your home. How you'd have loved the sun shining-blue skies without a cloud. The autumn leaves turning-the snow falling all around. The flowers in the summer,would have filled your eyes with smiles. And the rain that might have fallen would have caused you great surprise. You would have traveled far with me-holding me by the hand. And I'd have shown you all I could-more than I can imagine. You hold my heart tightly now, as thought we're holding hands. How far we've traveled, little one-and my life with you has been sweet. For I carry you in my heart as I firmly plant my feet.
I have four wonderful, beautiful children. Three are here on earth with us, the other received her wings and is now in Heaven watching over us. I take pride in my children, they are the strongest people I have ever met. I have been blessed to be a part of their lives. I am TRULY grateful that God chose my husband and I to love these children. I have never known a greater love than a mommy's love.
THE CHOSEN ONES I had a dream the other night. It came to me so clear. I stood before the throne of God,afraid to come too near. God said to me, "I hear your prayers. There are answers you can't find. I brought you here to talk to me and help to ease your mind. "I said,"Well, yes, God, I am upset...About my special one. This punishment is awfully harsh...Whatever have I done?" God looked at me and shook his head, He said, "My Dear, you've got it wrong. I sent this special child to you because you are so strong. I searched and searched to try and find someone with a love so rare. Parents so unselfish they could give him that special care. I try to save my special gifts,like those you're speaking of,for a special kind of parents I call the 'Chosen Ones. 'Of all the ones to choose from,I know I've got it done...Parents who deserve my best,an honor you have won." -Unknown