Monday, September 29, 2008

Pictures Galore...

These are pictures from the weekend. The one with Kaden and my nephew in strollers was taken at the mall. Kaden grabbed Miles' hand and then when I wanted to take a picture, he wasn't to thrilled about capturing it on camera : ). The rest are from the Boeckman family celebrating Nate's dad's birthday. We went out to eat and then went bowling (another first for Kaden). He really enjoyed it. I posted a picture of him sitting in a chair with his arms up in the air...that was his reaction to me telling him it was his turn. We had a lot of fun. Needless to say...I suck at bowling. I use to go a lot when I was younger, and I actually got better scores then, then what I got Sunday. Talk about frustrating : ).

On another note...I have been pretty emotional lately (no thanks to the hormones). First of all, the other night I was looking for something on the blog and had to go back to posts around the time Ava passed away. I watched some of the videos I posted and it really made everything "real" again. I don't know how to explain it. I go day to day knowing that Ava is gone, and think about her all of the time, but the thought of her doesn't bring me down. I guess I try to focus on all the good, all the love, all of her cuteness. Then when I watched the videos and read the posts and even some of the comments it brought the reality of everything home again (which, by the way I never found what I was looking for). I went to bed crying that night and have been emotional since. I miss her so much and I guess watching those videos brought her back to life although I was not able to reach out and touch her, hold her or kiss her. What I would have given to reach through the computer and hold her. It is so frustrating to go days feeling good, thinking good thoughts and then boom...that one day throws everything off. So then the list goes on and on.

The highlight of my days, Kaden, is doing well. He is getting bigger and smarter every day. We haven't been pushing the potty training. We actually stopped all together for awhile and out of the blue one day at school he asked to use the potty and peed!!! Since then I would say he has asked every day and has used it at least once a day on his own free will. Baby steps!!! After MANY, MANY, MANY attempts to find a Halloween costume he has finally decided on Mickey Mouse (he has found a new interest in Mickey). Although after I ordered it he changed his mind once again, but I told him it was set in stone, he has to be Mickey. He didn't seem to sad over it. I am excited to see the costume on him as well as his reaction when he sees himself in the mirror.

Next weekend, we are taking a mini get away to Branson. We are excited to take Kaden on his first "vacation." I think he will have a blast.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Bath Time!!!

If you look close enough, you will see Kaden grabbing his toes.

Friday, September 19, 2008

A Favorite First...

I think this was one of Kaden's favorite first. For those of you who do not know...Kaden loves books. So what better place to go then the library. I signed Kaden up for story time at the library once a week. When we walked in and he saw the all of the books, his expression was priceless...and I didn't have the camera ready, DARN IT.

Well, we had a little time before story time began so we decided to let him look around for a couple of books to check out. What does he do, plant his bottom on the ground and begin to try to rearrange the books on the shelf (another one of his favorites). I do not know how many times Nate or I had to explain to him that he can not move the books around or pull them all off of the shelves. He did manage to find two books, among all the books, that he wanted to check out. I am worried how he is going to react next week when we take them back, as he is calling them his "new books." I have explained it several times, so that along with him getting to check out new ones may help us escape a melt down.

Here are a few of the pictures I managed to sneak in as we were leaving.

Here are my "new" books.
I don't want to leave.
Do we have to get in the car?
Um...hello, I wasn't finished in there!!!

On a different note:
I just thought this was hilarious and wanted to share the laugh with all of you...
My grandma has a ton of Beanie Babies from when she use to collect them. Well, now they are available for all of the great-grandkids to play with. Kaden loves going through them all and has realized that their names are on the tags. So he will open all 100 of them (ok, there is not that many but you get the point)and wants us to read the names. He grabs an elephant and opens the tag and lets me read it. His name was Peanut. The next thing I know, Kaden starts pointing to his diaper area. I later told Nate, "I have NEVER called it "peanut" before." However, I decided not too long ago that we should no longer call "it" baby names such as "pee pee or wee-wee" oh, the list can go on and on. We now call "it" by it's name and Nate pointed out to me that the two sound very similar. Only my boy...only my boy!!!!

Sorry if any of you are lost with this story. I didn't want to type anything that would offend anybody.

Sunday, September 14, 2008


If you haven't noticed, I haven't posted any new pictures lately and that is because I broke my camera. Well, I finally got a new one...and I couldn't be anymore excited about having a camera again.

Funny faces with cousin Miles
Helping daddy wash the vehicle
Daddy's black eye : )...he got it playing racketball with a friend...BOYS!!!

Friday, September 12, 2008

I Have A Favor To Ask...

For those of you who had "working" cameras at Kaden's b-day party, could you please send me some pictures of him and his party. Thanks...if you don't mind you can send them to my e-mail. I appreciate it!!!

Brainy Blog Award...

My friend Micah, from Angel Gabi's blog gave me this Brainy Blog Award. Thanks!!!, I really appreciate the thought.

I proudly accept this award, so I must . . .

1) Think of at least 5 bloggers that you believe to be “Brainy Bloggers”

2) Post it on your blog for all to see! Let them know you’ve awarded them by email, twitter, etc or via a comment on their blog!

3) Share some linky love and link back to both the person who awarded you.

4) Come back to the Brainy Blog Headquarters to sign our Mr. Linky and then pass it on!

I would like to pass this award onto the following brainy blogs:

1.) Aimee at (Angel Brody)

2.) Kaci at (My Three Sons)

3.) Alisha at (Caden)

4.) Rachel at (Love For 9)

5.) Tabitha at (Alyssa and Sierra)

I really enjoy reading everyones blog that I visit, I feel like you all have wonderful things to say, however I was only able to pick five. I tried to pick mommy's who I didn't notice had this award yet. Again, I would have picked everyone of you. Thank you again Micah, for giving me this award.

Golf Tournament...

For all of those planning to participate in the golf tournament, unfortunately it has been cancelled due to all of the rain we have gotten the last couple of days and the expected forcast for tomorrow. I believe they are going to try to reschedule it within the next few weeks. When I find out more, I will let you all know via the blog (for those of you who read it).

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Remembering the heroes...

I just wanted to take this time to remember those who lost their lives on Sept. 11, 2001 as well as all the men and women fighting for our country. Our hearts and prayers go out to you and your families. Thank you for doing what you are doing!!! YOU ALL OUR TRUE HEROES!!!!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Autopsy Results...

Today we talked to the doctor that was on when Ava passed away. He had the final autopsy results in. We have been waiting for quite awhile, but talked to him about a week after Ava passed with the initial report. The autopsy showed that Ava passed away from the shunt in her heart being totally clotted off. Incase you were not aware, the norwood surgery Ava underwent included the shunt being placed in her heart to allow blood flow to the lungs as the surgeons were begining their re-wiring of her heart. With the blood clot in the shunt, blood was not able to get to her heart which in turn stopped the flow of oxygen in her body. The doctor stated tonight that in the six years he has been at CMH this is the first time that he has seen a norwood baby whose death was a result of the shunt totally clotting off.

After speaking with him tonight, the doctor stated that he believes that the reason for the clotting was because of the large amount of drainage exiting her chest tubes. This drainage coming out was also protein that her body needed (which I guess helps with blood not clotting). He went on to say that if he could have done anything differently that he would have increased the amount of "protein" (he used a different term) she would have gotten.

Ava had a cathedar done about three weeks prior to her passing to look at her heart and it showed everything looking fine, including the shunt. There was no worries. They feel like the shunt began to clot about two weeks prior to her death. I asked if that could have been the reason her O2 sats were decreasing...he said that could have certainly been the case, but at the time she also had a lot of fluid around her lungs which they thought was contributing to the low sats (which was probably part of the problem). I know that Nate and I were concerned about the shunt occluding being a cause of her low sats but was reassured because the cath looked fine. It is amazing how fast it clotted off, especially because she was getting a daily dose of aspirin to help keep her blood a little thinner.

At this time, I do not feel differently towards how caring the nurses, doctors and surgeons were to our family and Ava. I do wish though that we all would have been a little more opened minded to what the cause of her low sats were, and did more to find a solution, instead of accepting it. I hope that I fought hard enough, but know doubt myself. Was I too accepting of answers the doctors gave us? I don't know if I will ever know the answer to that one.

After talking to the doctor it has flooded my mind and heart with all the emotions of that day. I just pray that she wasn't in pain...I couldn't even imagine what it would feel like to not be able to breathe. The more I type about it the more I start wondering what if...what if we found the clot would Ava still be her today? Would she be happy? Would she be doing good? Would she be at home with us? I know that these are answers that we will never have, and to dwell on them will do us no good. I try to remember that Ava is in a better place, whether or not I was ready to let her go. My biggest fear is that she was in pain and that she was scared. To not be able to do anything to help her, to sit there and watch the doctors work on her and just cry. To hold her and tell her goodbye was the hardest thing that I ever had to do in my life but I am thankful that I was there to do it. I know that God has his plan and we may never understand it, maybe never accept it but I can not do anything to change it. I feel blessed to have been a part of Ava's life and I know that she is watching over us right now. I owe it to her, to Kaden and to this new little one to keep living, to keep smiling, to keep loving. I owe it to her to keep her memory alive and to remind Kaden and teach the baby everything about Ava and her strength. I want her to look down from Heaven and see the mommy she knew while she was here with us. I want Kaden to know that he makes me just as happy and that I enjoy ever last bit of time I have with him and I want the baby to know a happy mommy and that he is so wanted in our family. All three deserve the best, I want to be that best for them.

Sorry for all the mixed emotions, I am sure a lot of this might be confusing, but that is how my brain is working right now.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Heaven has another angel...

August 19, 2008 - September 8, 2008

Early this morning another angel went to Heaven. Elliot Aricle Reed got her wings early this morning after her tough battle with a congenital diaphragmatic hernia. Please keep her family in your prayers. You can visit their blog at and leave them a comment. Please do. You can also find her blog under "our friends" on "Elli."

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Golf Tournament in Memory of Ava

This is very last minute and I honestly do not know a lot of details. Some friends of ours decided to hold a memorial golf tournament in Ava's name. It will be this Saturday, Sept. 13th at 9:00am. It is a four man scramble, at $200 a team. From what I understand there is 36 teams allowed and there are a few spots still opened. If you do not have anything to do Saturday and would like to enter a team, please feel free to contact me and let me know that you are interested at and I will get your info to the right people.

On another note:
Today would be 4 months since our Ava went to Heaven. It seems like it has been ages ago. I miss her every day and can not even imagine how wonderful it would feel to hold her again. I know I have said this before, but sometimes (a lot of the time) it feels like the time we had with her was just a wonderful dream, although I know the love was and is real. She was an amazing gift God gave us and I would never want that to change. She had an amazing impact on lives that a lot of people my age and older have yet to do. She was an angel here on earth and now in Heaven looking down on us.

My dear Ava,

We miss you terribly. You are not and will never be forgotten. You hold a special place in our hearts and nobody can ever take that away from us. I want to thank you for watching over your bubby Kaden and now your baby brother. I know you had something to do with bringing him into our lives and I thank you so much for that. I have a gut feeling that he is going to look a lot like you...that when daddy and I look in his eyes we will see a part of you. He will know all about his big sissy. Kaden still talks about you everyday. He has continously typed love Ava on his talking device, I know that he misses you so much, but I think he can feel you with him. I love you baby girl and miss you more then words can say. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Loving you forever and ever,
mommy, daddy, bubby and baby

Friday, September 5, 2008

I put a poll up on the side bar for the baby names. I had already had two votes for Liam. I put one on the poll, but was not able to do the other. So you are more then welcome to vote using that. However, I would still love to hear some boy names. WE NEED IDEAS!!!

Sono pictures

It's a Boy

baby face

little foot


Here are the first pictures of our little guy. No, we haven't decided on a name yet. It wouldn't hurt to get some help actually. I have a girl name, but that won't work this time!!! First off, two of the names that are up in the air right now are
Liam Cole
Tallan (haven't thought of a middle name)

Nate likes one and I like the other (I won't tell you who likes which one). However, we are not set on either name so I thought it would be fun for you all to vote on one or the other as well as give us some great ideas. You never know, we could use one of the names that you have come up with. Why are boy names so hard to think of.

The Verdict Is In...

Last night Nate and I had a hard time sleeping. I was so excited...almost like I was going to be having the baby today. So anyway after my 4-5 hour nap we got up and went to the doctor. I wasn't nervous, I had a good feeling about everything. I mean there is always that "what if" but I wasn't consentrating on that. On the way up I was telling my mom that I knew it was going to be a boy. I told her I would be shocked if it wasn't, I just had this feeling that it couldn't be anything but a boy. Soooooo, with all that said...

We are having a BOY!!!, and a healthy one at that!!! That is right, they said that everything looks good. This is the first time that we have had a sono that they didn't concentrate on just one area for a long period of time. I guess I never realized that wasn't normal. The doctor did say that we will have another ultra-sound when the baby gets a little bigger, just to double check everything. I am so excited, but nervous too. I have never taken a "baby" home. It will be interesting!!!

I will post pictures later on today. I have to go over to my parents house to do so.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Just A Little Heads Up...

I just wanted to let you all know that my appt is first thing in the morning. I will try to post by noon. I don't want you to have to check 20 thousand times before I finally post...I know how frustrating that can be : ).

Kaden wants to say a few words to all of his admirers.
cow boots girl tv boy brother school drum ava book read kiss moo golf pink hat 8
deer log cow vent kaden enter you read apple jif (yes, I am a choosey mom, I choose JIF) bye bye all done

We will post tomorrow...keep your eyes on the look out.

The Girls...

Alyssa Leighanne

Sierra Dawn

These are pictures of the new twins!!! Welcome to the family!!!


I am so excited to finally have the ultra-sound done tomorrow. I am however really disappointed that Nate might not be at the entire appt. He has court for his job and can not get out of it...which drives me entirely nuts. There is no way I could postpone this day. I have been waiting for it since I found out I was pregnant. My mom will be there with me though.

I have really good feelings right now that things will be fine. I am not too worried, I think I left that ship a while back, I am more excited then anything. I do think that we are having a boy...we will see (hopefully). Kaden has been saying that it is a boy as well. The other night I asked him again, "What do you think mommy is going to have, a baby boy or a baby girl." He responded by signing boy and then girl. I asked him if he thought mommy was having two babies, one boy, one girl. He signed yes and then signed friends. Silly boy. I tried to explain to him that the baby doesn't need a friend right now, that he is going to be the baby's friend (I hope : ) ). He was done with the conversation at that point, I think he had enough time talking about the baby (which normally last about 1-2 minutes...jealousy, NO)!!!

Other then that I think my cold/allergies, whatever the heck it is, has decided to be nice and start going away. I still have a nasty cough, but that is mostly in the morning and of course when I am going to bed at night. Things are going well here. Kaden continues to grow and just amaze me with just how much of a "big boy" he is becoming. He wants to do everything that the other children around him are doing...which is awesome to see.

Buddy, you never fail to amaze mommy and daddy. You are such a wonderful gift in our lives. To wake up every day to your bright eyes and wonderful hugs and kisses is truly a blessing. Mommy and daddy will love your forever and ever. XOXOXOXOXO

Ava, you are continously missed throughout each minute of each day. We thank you for blessing our lives with your love and your lessons. Our love for you has no end. Missing you and loving you always. XOXOXOXOXO