Saturday, April 12, 2008

Just Mommy and Ava

Nate left last night. Kaden stayed up here with me because my parents came up today, so they just took him home with them when they left. It was nice just being able to cuddle next to Kaden like we did at home. He is becoming such a big boy. Last night he took 8 steps without holding onto anything. I am so proud of him. I am predicting by his next birthday he will be on the go, without his walker. That gives him about 4-5 months, although I am not putting a limit on it. His balance is getting a lot better too. One step closer to being able to play golf with daddy.

Ava is doing alright. I was not here yesterday when they extubated Ava. Kaden and I were at the RMH. I thought they would do it in the afternoon, but they decided to do it pretty early. Nate walked in right after they had extubated and told me that she was working pretty hard. When I called up here just to check on her the nurse said that they tried extubating and had to re-intubate. That made me sick to my stomach. I just started wondering..."What if she can't come off," "Is she going to need a trach," "Is she going to need to be on the vent (like Kaden)?" I am in no way saying that this is what is going to happen, the doctor's haven't even discussed the possibility (knock on wood). I just can't take this anymore. I was ready to go home a month ago and to still not even have a clue as to when we can go home is driving me nuts. I know when she comes off of the vent things will get better, because I will be able to hold her again, but until then... Another thing that has been bugging me is us deciding on the g-tube. It seems like this surgery has set her back. I know they said that she would need it and that she needs the fundo, but were we too willing to accept that? Should we have fought to stay away from another surgery? I just want to pick her up so bad. It's one thing to sit up here at the hospital for 10 weeks now (who's counting), but to sit up here and not be able to hold my baby when I want and to not be able to comfort her when she is upset is a whole other ball game.

I have been thinking about finding a way to go home again for a couple of days. To go back to my old routine. Nate really doesn't have much time built up to come up here and he wants to be able to take off when she does comes home. I think though, that I might try to talk him into switching places again. We'll see...

Well, my baby girl is fighting sleep right now. I will post more later, I want to see if I can help her fall to sleep.


Heather said...

I check in daily and always pray I will be finding that you are on your way home. I KNOW it will be soon, but remember these babies have their own timelines. You don't want to leave a minute too soon because you absolutely don't want to find yourself right back. Ava is so strong and so are you but if you feel as though you need a break so you can regroup for her sake as well as yours then maybe you need to listen to that inner voice. Your post broke my heart as I could practically feel your sadness.

Extra prayers tonight from me, Zoey's mom

Anonymous said...

Amy, I am praying for you daily I cannot imagine the daily struggles you face. I jsut got caught up an all of the info and how she has been I pray often that you can come home soon with a healthy baby:) We just have to put it in Gods hand and Beleive!!! I am so sorry I was unable to make it up today:( I hope to see you soon, but I did not want to pass pink eye aroung Treytan had it last week, then me, On drops then me again:( so sorry --- Anyways take care and love you lots cannot wait to come and see you!!Lots of love whitney