I can not sleep so I decided to look at the blog...knowing that each and everyone of your words would help ease the pain, if only for a second. I am in total shock right now. I can not believe this has happen to our precious baby girl. Nate had called this morning to check on Ava and she was doing wonderfully. I got there and she was alright, not very happy because she was being suctioned and things just went downhill from there. The doctor does not exactly know what happened. It seriously came out of nowhere. The pictures I posted below today were from yesterday. I posted them while she was getting suctioned today, before everything happened. I talked to her a little trying to calm her after suctioning and a diaper change. I wanted to hold her but we were waiting for ultrasound to come up so I thought I would wait until after that...but we never made it that far. I don't feel like I spent quality time with her today and it breaks my heart to no end. That's it...my heart is truly broken.

Deep down inside I kept telling myself she will come out of this...she just needs a little time. Then the doctor told me that he did all that he could and told me that he wanted me to hold her. This has to be a nightmare, why am I not waking up? We were all just talking about how she is doing so well that she should be going home soon. How can this be happening? I love her so much and I wanted her to come home and complete our family. It is not fair for her. She fought soooo hard, smiling all the while. I could never get enough of her beautiful smile. Both sides of the family came up and we all squeezed into her room and just loved on her. We stayed with her for the longest time. Everyone left Nate and I to be with her so we loved on her some more. Leaving her was the hardest thing. We left her with the chaplain and her primary night nurse. She will FOREVER be loved.

I am so thankful that God chose Nate and I to be Ava's mommy and daddy. I am glad he gave us the opportunity to love this precious baby girl. I am thankful for the happy days she has had (especially the last 5 or 6) and for the smiles I captured on camera. I feel so blessed to be Ava's mommy and for having her in my life for the last 3 1/2 months, and in my heart forever.

Thank you all for your support...it REALLY means a lot to us. I am sorry I posted tonight, but in a way it has been a little bit of a relief to just be able to get things out.