Thursday, May 8, 2008

I can not sleep so I decided to look at the blog...knowing that each and everyone of your words would help ease the pain, if only for a second. I am in total shock right now. I can not believe this has happen to our precious baby girl. Nate had called this morning to check on Ava and she was doing wonderfully. I got there and she was alright, not very happy because she was being suctioned and things just went downhill from there. The doctor does not exactly know what happened. It seriously came out of nowhere. The pictures I posted below today were from yesterday. I posted them while she was getting suctioned today, before everything happened. I talked to her a little trying to calm her after suctioning and a diaper change. I wanted to hold her but we were waiting for ultrasound to come up so I thought I would wait until after that...but we never made it that far. I don't feel like I spent quality time with her today and it breaks my heart to no end. That's it...my heart is truly broken.

Deep down inside I kept telling myself she will come out of this...she just needs a little time. Then the doctor told me that he did all that he could and told me that he wanted me to hold her. This has to be a nightmare, why am I not waking up? We were all just talking about how she is doing so well that she should be going home soon. How can this be happening? I love her so much and I wanted her to come home and complete our family. It is not fair for her. She fought soooo hard, smiling all the while. I could never get enough of her beautiful smile. Both sides of the family came up and we all squeezed into her room and just loved on her. We stayed with her for the longest time. Everyone left Nate and I to be with her so we loved on her some more. Leaving her was the hardest thing. We left her with the chaplain and her primary night nurse. She will FOREVER be loved.

I am so thankful that God chose Nate and I to be Ava's mommy and daddy. I am glad he gave us the opportunity to love this precious baby girl. I am thankful for the happy days she has had (especially the last 5 or 6) and for the smiles I captured on camera. I feel so blessed to be Ava's mommy and for having her in my life for the last 3 1/2 months, and in my heart forever.

Thank you all for your support...it REALLY means a lot to us. I am sorry I posted tonight, but in a way it has been a little bit of a relief to just be able to get things out.

38 comments:

crackerjacksMO said...

I stayed up later than usual hoping to see another update. It's odd when the blogging world calls to us in our hour of pain, but I know it would make me feel better to write it out, like I myself do now. It's rewarding to know (and see) what love and support this virtual haven gives us. So many people, even lurkers, followed Ava's life. You made a wonderful journal for her here and I am sure I speak for all of us when I say, we are grateful that you shared Ava with us; the world.

I find it very hard to find words to describe how profoundly sad I am to read the news of Ava. As much faith as I have, I still feel the selfish rage pass through. Selfish, because even though she is safe and sound and free of pain, her wings were given much too soon. I wanted to meet Ava and had hoped that I would be able to come by next week while making a trip to CM. She was such a fighter and my dear she was beautiful as ever! Her big eyes just loved the camera!

I will always have a place for Ava in my thoughts.

Heather said...

God Bless you Amy! May you find some comfort in the arms of all those that love you. May you know and truly believe , always, that Ava was so lucky to have you as her mommy. You should be so proud of yourself.Of your husband. Of Kaden. Of especially Ava .Her strength and the courage that she showed in her short time with you, will see you through this. Her love and the love you have in your heart for her will see you through. Even in the darkest of days. Mere words could never erase your pain but in some way may the knowledge that so many love you make the path a little smoother, the journey ever so lighter. May God and His love bring to you some peace now and in the difficult days ahead.

Isabella said...

Amy and Nate
I wish more than anything that I could ease your pain in some way shape or form. I am still in complete shock about this. She did fight so hard. She overcame so much that so many didn't think she could. No matter what life kept throwing at her, she just fought back. She was amazing. She has left a deeper footprint on this earth than most people do in a life time. She will never be forgotten. You and Nate are amazing people and God hand picked you to be Ava and Kaden's parents. I just wish things would have turned out differently. You are right, this is not fair and it doesn't make any sense. My heart is breaking for you!! Matt and I are here if you need anything. Know that we are praying for you. I am so glad you are surrounded by so much love.
Love and Prayers Always
Megan

Lynn Nastasio said...

My heart goes out to your family. I know exactly how you feel. When we lost Michael he was doing great (his twin sister had a 5% chance of survival and we were preparing for the worst for her) and then one morning we received the call to come in and he was already gone. They said he showed no signs and it as like God reached down and plucked out his soul and took him home. I know that nothing I say will provide comfort as no one could say anything right for me either. Do know that even 4 years later there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him and that I don't love him so much and miss him. It does get easier with time but it takes a year or more just to be able not to cry every time I thought about him. I have followed you guys from day one with Ava and I feel like I am losing her too. She looked so happy and healthy Tuesday. Have they told you what happened? Did her heart fail? Sorry for asking questions during such a terrible time but I was so shocked like you. You are in our prayers.

Lynn Nastasio

Lynn Nastasio said...

One more thing that I wanted to share that really helped me with losing Michael. Our pastor did an excellent job when Michael passed and the one comment he made during the ceremony that touched me so much was that while I cried as he stated that God had a room for him in heaven that had trains and everything just like his room here that no matter how much it hurt and no matter how much I wanted him back would I really want to take him from where he is now and bring him back. No, I know he has it so much better with God and I wouldn't want him to come back here just to make my heart stop aching. I think the hardest thing for me was just not understanding. I wonder if Ava had an even bigger fight ahead of her that we didn't know about and God said, enough, this precious soul has suffered enough its time for me to bring her home and take care of her now. Don't be hard on yourself for being angry and wanting answers but in the end you were so lucky to have this time to meet her and get to know her personality. God loves us all and there is a reason and a plan for everything and some day he will explain it all to us. Please feel free to call me if you just want to talk (I know that won't be for awhile). My # is 816-554-3293.

Lynn Nastasio

The Bryant Family said...

I dont even know what to say...I am so very sorry. Please post when the memorial services will be IF you are having something for everyone to attend. I dont want to intrude.
I have grown to love your family and am heart broken for you. you are in my prayers..

Anonymous said...

Nate & Amy,
We are so sorry to hear of the loss of Ava, our hearts break for you guys. There were so many people praying for her to get better and be home with you guys. We will continue to pray for strength for your family.

Love
Jay, Emily & Drew Gibbs

Anonymous said...

My heart is broken for you all. We were just looking at Ava's pictures and the kids said what a beautiful baby. I am glad you had the time you did with Ava. Your family is in our prayers for peace.(hugs)

Joanie Thomas and gang

Anonymous said...

Nate, Amy and Family,
I wish that there were some wonderful words that could be said to take the pain away. Unfortunately there is nothing I can say except Ava was blessed to have such loving parents. God must have needed a little angel to be with him today. We will continue to pray for you and all your family.
With our deepest Sympathy,
Travis, Nickie, Kamble, Ian, Lena, and Ben Haverkamp

Gabi's Daddy said...

I can completely understand how the blog can help you to vent your frustrations. Keep venting...we are all here for you!

Ava overcame so many obstacles. Just arriving into this world was a fight for her! I know you are so proud as parents to have such a little fighter!

You are amazing people and we are so lucky to call you friends.

Love You Guys

Anonymous said...

Amy and Nate,
Micah called me this morning on my way to work to tell me about sweet Ava. My tears haven't stopped falling since.My heart is just broken for you and your family. Nothing I can say can ease the pain for you but please know I understand what you are going through and am ready to help you get through one day at a time if you need a friend. I feel so blessed to have met you over the past 3 months. It is funny how you can have a love for child that you didn't even get a chance to meet. I will be calling you soon to see what I can do for you. We will be with our babies again someday. Hold on to that thought Amy and Nate..You guys are amazing parents and Ava was so blessed to have you to love her. Hold onto one another through this heartbreaking time. Jack and Gabi will be holding Ava's hand as she gets showed the beautiful heavens:) I love you guys. Your friendship is priceless.

Kristy 785-223-7572 Call me anytime.. night or day.

Suzanne Franzel said...

You don't know who I am but I really good friends with Jessica and know some of your family. I am truelly sorry for your loss. Jessica had been keeping me posted on Ava's progress. If you and your family need anything, anything at all please let me know. You and your family will be in my prayers. May god keep you strong.

Anonymous said...

Hello,
We have never met before but I feel like I know everything about your family through the blog and Jason and Micah. I am Morgan, Gracie's Mommy. I just wanted to let you know that we are thinking about you and your family. My heart goes out to you and your family during this difficult time. Please know you are in our thoughts and prayers.
Morgan and Gracie

Tyler Patrick Breuer said...

(This is a Steven Curtis Chapman song that I am sure says a lot of what you're feeling now. If you want, you should add it to your blog - I found it on www.playlist.com, here's the link -http://search.playlist.com/tracks/with%20hope - the first one, length 5:15, works the best)

With Hope

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so...

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

Love,
Kathleen

Anonymous said...

Nate and Amy I just wanted to say how sorry we are . Thinking of you and praying our loving Father wraps his arms around you at this time and holds you tight . Catherine Megans Mom

Anonymous said...

All of our prayers go out to you and your families today. As adults, we cope even when we don't think we can, but I can't quit thinking about Kaden today. Trying to help him understand something we ourselves can't, when he showed so much love for his baby sister and wanted her home with him as well. You are such wonderful parents, and I know he will always know and love her, and most importantly, never forget.
All our prayers-
The Beckers- Corning

Gabi's Mommy said...

Amy you post all day, all night...whatever helps. I know for me it helped to talk about Gabi all the time, still does. I am not sure if you will post the arrangements but if not and you do get a chance please email them to me. We want to do everything we can to try to be there, but it is up to Kinsley.

I know there is nothing I can say to help ease the pain, but know that not only is she in the hands of God, but I promise you Gabi and her will be great buddies. I talked to Gabi alot last night and this morning, she's a good listener:) I like to think of her as a perfect little greeter, she will take Ava under her wings!

I, along with everyone else is in a total state of shock as well. Ava seemed to be doing so well, she looked fantastic. Your last few memories will be in your hearts forever, seems to be what we remember the most. And knowing that she did seem comfortable and happy and she knew mommy and daddy were there...the smiles, your precious girl leave a beautiful impression on all of our hearts.

I cannot stop thinking about you all, like Megan, I just want to run to you and give you a huge hug. Our entire family is praying for you and your family. We are so sorry it was Ava's time, but think of the love she felt each and everyday by her mommy, daddy, and big brother.

Love and Prayers!

Sarah Rempe said...

Amy & Nate-
We sit here reading through our tear and we cannot believe your unbelievable strength during such a difficult time. Word can't express our sadness and we want you both to know that we're thinking of you & Ava and praying for your family. May you find some peace knowing that God is holding her in heaven now.

Our thoughts and prayers- Sarah, Brian, & Hadley Rempe

Carey said...

Amy, there are no words. I am just shocked and cannot believe this is true. I want so badly for you to wake up from this nightmare. I want so badly to go downstairs and just give you a great big hug, but you're not there. I am so so sorry. It's not fair. All our love and prayers going out to you, Nate and Kaden today. Ava will remain in our hearts and prayers forever.
Carey

Rachel said...

Amy & Nate....

I dont know where to begin. This is a horrible shock. I just commented yesterday to you how awesome Ava looked and I chated with my Chat Buddies and thanked them all for praying so hard for Ava, that I believed it was working, as she looked so good in the photos. I am deeply sorry for your loss of sweet baby Ava. I dont personally know your family but feel so close to you all, as I have been a follower for sometime now. I want you to know that Ava is safe now and free of any pain. She is a beautiful angel that will watch over you and your family forever. You should be so proud of her and of yourself for being so wonderful to her in her short time here on earth.

I beilieve God will walk you through this horrible time and remember....you will see that beautiful girl again.

Praying for you always,

Rachel

Pam said...

Oh my goodness Amy, my heart is broken. I logged on this morning, and read this, and I am just sitting here in tears.

I am so sorry. Ava will forever be loved and remembered. She is such a precious little angel.

There just simply are not words to tell you how sorry I am.

We love you guys, and you will be in our thoughts and prayers over the days to come.

Love,

Pam and Rhett

Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry for your loss, your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

As so many have said, Ava was a blessing from God and always will be. So hard to imagine that this is true since she was doing so well. I pray that you find peace in her memories and she will live on in the wonderful stories that you tell. Please know when you can't sleep at night that someone is praying for your family. May she rest in peace.

ksumppick said...

I do not know you or your family, but have been keeping up with the story since my friend Karen requested prayers for Ava. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time. She is an Angel now looking down on your family. Even though you only had her a short time, the amount of love you gave her was amazing and her strength she gave you to keep going. May God Bless you and your family.

Kelly Pickens

Marcella said...

Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Amyb99 said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet, beautiful baby girl. I have been following your story for the past few weeks and was so happy that she was doing well. What a tremendous shock. But, I know that she felt loved and cared for - she truly has the best parents in the world! My prayers are with all of you during this time. Again, I am so sorry. God bless.

Amy in PA

BiLlY, sAm, AnD bOyS!!! said...

you don't know me....I got on your blog through Rhett Birds. I know words can't express what you are going through but i just want you to know we are thinking of your family. We have a son that has down syndrome and a trach that he got when he was 3 months. He is now 16 months.

With Love~~~~~

In Fair Verona said...

I'm so, so sorry that this happened to you. I know we don't know each other, but I think you deserve all the support you can get. She looked so happy in the pictures. She was perfect. I can tell how much you loved her, and that must have been what kept her here. I can't say that I know what you're going through, but I can offer you my deepest sympathies and lots of prayers. Stay strong, and know that even strangers care about you. :)

Rob said...

Amy, Nate and Kaden,
Our prayers are with you and your family. Words can't express how sad our hears are about baby Ava. She is so beautiful and so blessed to be sent to your family! You ALWAYS took such wonderful care of her and we are blessed by you sharing her with all of us. With Much Love, Robyn

Anonymous said...

We have never met you, but have been praying because of the reports of Megan and Isabella's blogs. I'm Megan's Aunt Judy.

May the God of all Comfort hold all of you close, giving you strength and direction for each step. He loves you and your precious baby more than you can realize. May you somehow feel His help each moment.

Anonymous said...

I just checked Gabi's blog and found this news out!. I am so sorry for your loss! God Bless you and your family during this time of need
-Dana
Micah's friend from Ky

Corningboy said...

Nathan and Amy,
I know there are no words I can say to take away the pain, but remember tha Ava is in a better place and that God's love will see you through this. You and your family will be in my wife and I's prayers.
J.W. *Bill*, Faith, and Kristy Carver

Corningboy said...

Nathan and Amy,
I am so very sorry to hear about your daughter. I can not imagine the pain you're going through. I know no words can be said that will ease the pain,but remember she is in Heaven and that she is no longer suffering. If you need anything call me day or night 740 390 0860. God's love will make you through this.
With Love
J.W. *Bill*, Kristy, and Faith Carver

Delainey's Mom said...

Amy & Nate ~
Like so many others, my family has been following Ava's story since before she was born. I can't find the words to tell you how truly heartbroken we are for your family. My daughter, Delainey, also has Turner Syndrome, and had the same heart surgeon at Children's Mercy. Your family has been in our thoughts and prayers for many months and we will continue to pray for you all. Ava was a beautiful child and she has become part of so many people. Thank you for allowing all of us to have her in our lives and hearts through your posts. I think that we all fell in love with your little angel and she will hold a place in our hearts forever.

May God's love heal your broken hearts~

The Barcus Family
Kyla, Adam and Delainey

BeckyRN said...

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

I have loved this song by Natalie Grant from the first time I heard it, and think every parent who has ever had to deal with losing a child should listen to it, and know that God is holding you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss, and I will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers.

ANDREA HAMILTON said...

All of us here at the police department are thinking of you and your family. Please don't hesitate to ask for anything that you need. You are in my prayers.

iluvmysharpei said...

I know you don't know me but I read your little angles obituatary in the mercury this morning and I went to your blog and was reading. I am so sorry what you and your family is going thru. I wish I had the right words to say in your time of need. I am sorry I pray that God lifts you and your family up and help answer the questions that you wonder in your heart. May god bless you and keep you close again I am so sorry for your loss. quanita

Tanya said...

I can't begin to express my sadness. I have followed Kaden ana Ava for a short time, and really began to love your sweet babies. I know you don't know me at all, but please, know that you can contact me, and I will listen. I lost a baby girl at te age of 3 1/2 months, and if nothing else, I can understand the pain you feel right now. Know that you are being thought of and love, thoughts and prayers are coming from near and far. Hugs~
Tanya in CO