Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Forever In Our Hearts...

I was trying to decide whether or not to post pictures of the service...and I decided not to, at least at this time. I am still lost. I do not think that I have come to the realization that my baby girl is gone. It makes me so sad to know that I can not hold her, kiss her, or make her smile. I can not smell her sweet skin, tickle her beautiful chin, or rub her silky hair. It makes me sad to know that I will not hear her cry again or ever get a chance to hear her laugh. My heart is broken.

I haven't really had the chance to "think." We have been so busy and then family and friends have been keeping us company. Night time is the worse. Kaden is in bed and it is quiet and the "craziness" of life is still. My mind starts wondering and remembering and acknowledging. How I wish that we could start Wednesday, May, 7th all over again. For some reason, I feel that if we could start things over and do them a little differently...like me showing up earlier or something that it might have turned out a different way. I didn't even get the chance to hold her that morning before everything happened...there was too much going on and I decided that I would wait until after she had her ultra-sound done that was scheduled. It makes me so angry that I couldn't love on her more that day. I felt that after having Kaden and then Ava that I knew not to take things for granted...breathing on your own, walking, eating...I thought I knew. But you know, I look back and still see things that I have taken for granted. I NEVER EVER really thought that MY baby would pass...NEVER. I knew that it "could" happen and I heard from doctors and nurses that it "could" happen...but I thought, "not my baby." I really anticipated the "when are we going to go home," not the "are we going to go home."

Her funeral service was beautiful. She honestly looked like a beautiful angel. She was surrounded by pink. I can not get out of my mind how bad I want to hold her again. What I would give to hold her again...to have her here again. There are no words to describe what my mind is going through, what my heart is going through. I miss my baby girl.

Nate and I want to thank everyone for all of their support and prayers. It is amazingly overwhelming to have sooo much support behind our family. All of the comments from readers really puts it into perspective how many lives Ava and Kaden have touched. It makes me happy to hear that my babies have changed others views of life. All of our family and friends have done so much to help...you all have gone so out of reach to help lift us up. We could never thank you enough. To Nate's co-workers...thank you, thank you, thank you...for EVERYTHING. You have really made not only Nate but our family feel like a part of yours. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Please remember Ava for her beauty, her strength, her courage, and her love. She will forever be in our hearts. Mommy, daddy and bubby love you baby girl...forever and ever.


Isabella said...

My heart is broken for you and Nate and Kaden. I think about you constantly. I wish there was some way or some how I could do something for you. I am always here for you if you need anything. Our prayers are always with you.

Jacquie said...

I've been reading, wanting to comment just not sure what to say. I'm still not.

((Hugs)) to you all.

Bowers Family said...

Nate, Amy, Kaden, and Angel Ava,
We are so sorry for you all, you have encountered so much, more than anyone should have to. Please know that many are thinking and praying for you. You all have a tremendous amount of strength keep that strength up and you will now have your special angel to guide you. The service was beautiful, the priest's did a wonderful job, and the sermon was more than exceptional! It looked like a shower of pink coming directly from HEAVEN! We have been keeping very close tabs on the the blog and we will continue. Please know that you are in thoughts of many.

Stay strong and keep your memories close, and don't ever hesitate to share you feelings and thoughts.

God bless you all.
The Bowers',
Joshua, Nicole, Peyton, Parker, Presly, and Paxton

Halle's Momma said...

I don't think anyone thought that "could" would ever turn out to be true. I know that's why I am still so shocked by it. Even though I never met her, I felt closer to you and to Ava and Kaden through your blogs and pictures and e-mails. I will always remember her, how beautiful, sweet, loving and strong she was and still is. And I will always remember those same things about you. You and your love for your family and children has quite simply changed my life forever, and I am so much better for it. If there is anything I can ever do to repay the favor please count on me. I can only imagine how you feel, but I am always here to talk, especially late at night. The service was very beautiful, and I'm still thankful I was able to be there to say thank you to Ava myself. You are always in our thoughts and prayers,
Love and the biggest hugs we can give,
Jess and Halle

Anonymous said...

I just recently found your website and read through all that you have gone through with your children. May I just say that you have obviously done an amazing job caring for the gifts that God bestowed upon you! Tonight you beautifully captured the feelings that any parent who has lost a child must experience. Thank you for sharing, not only this tribute and your feelings, but your entire journey and your love and faith in God. I know that the 'what ifs' must be very difficult when they come, but I hope that you find comfort in the fact that God called Ava home at His perfect time. We cannot begin to fathom His reasoning but I pray that someday His plan may be revealed to you. I am praying for you, that God will hold you during this time, ease your heartache and protect your marriage and family. God's Blessings, and again, thank you.

Gabi's Daddy said...

Micah and I prayed so hard that you wouldn't have to go through this experience. We do understand what you're going through and are here if you need us. We feel so terrible that we weren't there. You two are amazing people and do an incredible job! I know my words won't keep you from doing it, but you can't blame yourself or think about what you could of done differently. Everything happened exactly the way it did for a reason, and that reason is not for us to understand but to accept as God's plan. Sucks doesn't it? haha

Always thinking of you!
Jason, Micah, Gracie, "Angel Gabi", Hopefully born sooner than later Baby Kinsley!

The Bryant Family said...

I am so sorry about missing the services. My heart has been broken and heavy since that day. I wish I could take it all away for you. You are constantly on my mind and in my heart. Thank you for posting, I know it is very hard and exhausting.

Kylee said...

I just want you to know that Jason and I have the same feelings as you have. If we could of been there before everything happened, would it have happened. Why did we have to be hungry and leave to go downstairs to eat? We always ask those questions. I just want you to know that we're thinking of you guys in this difficult time!!

Ashlea said...

We didn't get to speak, but Paul and I did make it on Monday. It was just beautiful. I can't get over how beautiful it was. The butterflies at the graveside service were amazing and so touching, flying all around us. Please know that we are still and will be thinking about and praying for you all.

Ashlea, Paul and Caden

Tyler Patrick Breuer said...

That was a beautiful post Amy. By reading your words, your emotions show how much your arms long to hold her, your hands long to touch her, and your lips long to kiss her again. I am upset that I was unable to be there with you on Monday, but I couldn't find a relative who could watch the boys. There is not a minute that goes by I am not thinking about you or praying for Ava's soul. I wanted to let you know that I sent a card to the funeral home (I had it to bring myself on Monday) so if they don't contact you soon about it, you might want to give them a call. I'd love to keep intouch with you via email or phone. If there is any way I could be of assistance to your family or even just an ear who listens... call me, I am here all day.
Love you,

Anonymous said...

My heart hurts for you guys every time I think about you-which is quite often. Everything you just said, could have come straight me. It's tough, looking at the what-ifs, wondering what you could have done to make a difference. I still do it on a daily basis, and probably always will. I wish I could have made it to the service, so I could give you a great big hug. I can promise you time will take the sharpness out of the pain. I'm so sorry this happened to you, I wish I could rewind time for you. You're in my thoughts and prayers constantly.
Tammy Lister
www.caringbridge.org, brenleelister

Pam said...

Oh Amy, it breaks my heart to read your post. Ava knew that she was loved. You were there by her side from the moment she was born. You did everything right.

She couldn't have had a better mommy by her side. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling, but know that you are in our thoughts and prayers, and that we are praying for peace and comfort.


Pam and Rhett

Ross said...

Nate, Amy, Kaden, and Ava

I know you have heard this a lot, but thank you for being such an inspiration to us all. Your family is amazing in many many ways. I think about everything you have went through and I question whether Sheila and I could do the same. Kaden and Ava have impacted so many lives in so many ways. They represent courage, strength, love, etc... I could go on and on. They have changed me and how I view life. I as well thought I did not take many things for granted in life, but I do. But, beautiful Ava and handsome Kaden have helped me become a better person. I am blessed to know your family and have you as friends. I hope if God gives Sheila and I the chance to become parents that we may become half the parents you and Nate are. I love you both! God Bless!

crackerjacksMO said...

My heart aches for you and your family, but we will all remember sweet Ava forever. Thank you for the update and I hope that you continue to share your life with us on this blog.

Kisses Hugs and Love

Anonymous said...

My heart aches I can not even imagine the pain you are feeling right now . Know God is holding Ava in his arms and the angels are singing to her. I know it does not ease the pain. (hugs)
Joanie Thomas and gang

Jade said...

We are praying for you all and will continue to. I am so sorry. We are so glad we got to meet her. I am not sure what else to say but we are here for you.

Anonymous said...

I just read your latest post and it brought me to tears yet again. I have thought of you constantly since I began reading this blog and wondered myself why such a wonderful family had to endure so many trials and pain. I can only say that God chose you for a reason. He knew through you and your families difficulties you would be able to bring glory to him. Maybe not right away and maybe in small ways like the impact you have had on many other lives. Look at all the people who say they look at their life differently because what you have done. Although I know this does not make things any easier for you right now. Please do not beat yourself up and know there was nothing you could have done on that day. God called Ava home at that moment and it may be hard now and for a while to understand why but I believe he will reveal his plan and your heartache and loss will not be in vain. Thanks you for being a pillar of strength and showing you raw emotion and heartache. I think of you and your family daily and pray for all of you. God Bless!
Des Moines, Iowa

Carey said...

Oh Amy, that is beautiful. Your words break my heart, but I love hearing all your descriptions of beautiful baby Ava. What an angel she is. I am so glad the service went well, I wish I could have been there. We've been thinking about you a lot, please continue to post as it is theraputic sometimes and we will STILL love hearing about Kaden and how the family is doing. Big hugs to you all!!!!

Anonymous said...

It is me from Des Moines again. I just want to tell you about a song called "Held" by Natalie Grant. it is about loss and gripping pain and god holding you the entire time. there is a video on youtube by attitude of gratitude. it is a tear jerker. Remember his love is greater than any pain we feel, although it may not seem like that right now and that is ok.

~plaid said...

I don't know if it is that we take things for granted, more than it is just that we have decisions that have to be made without knowing what lies in the future. And we might make the right decision for the time, and yet have the regrets that come with it all later. I have to remind myself that the regrets aren't in the decision I made that day, but in the decisions that I had no choice in making. We didn't decide that our children would die that day. We just have to cope with the consequences of it. Everything you say about missing Ava and how night is so hard, it is so much a part of all of this. Having a child is a big adjustment. Having a child with special needs is an even bigger adjustment. And having a child who dies is yet another major life change that we just don't have the experience (or the heart, because ours are broken) to know how to do it. It is just something to get through.

I started writing an "outlet" blog after Bridget died. It had had been only six years since Dominic's death, and I thought -- like you-- that I knew better and didn't take anything "for granted". I wrote this in my blog about the same kinds of feelings you expressed, about wishing it could all be undone and we could go back:
"Oh, if only the deepest desires of my heart could be fulfilled, if my sincerest wishes could be granted! How we take so for granted our life's greatest fulfillments."

I am glad to read you have some great support. I just hope people will continue to be there for you all, as this is a life-long journey. The first few weeks is when most people are still involved and interested in expressing their concern. Then slowly, they seem to fade just as the realization of it all starts to hit. I hope, I really hope, that those who are in your lives can understand this and make the commitment now to always be there as you get through all of these things, and as you continue to carry on with Kaden.

Anonymous said...

Boeckman Family,

I am so sorry that Ava is gone. Know that Ava is in heaven and is looking out for you. So will always be apart of your family. Ava was an incredible and amazing baby. She fought so hard. Thank you for sharing beautiful pictures of her. I will continue to keep your family in my prayers.


Shea said...

I'm not sure if you remember me. Ava and my daughter, Carmen, shared room 21 in the PICU for a while. As you know, we lost Carmen April 27. Lisa let me know today that Ava had passed. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that whatever is bonded in life shall surely be in death, and I know those little girls are together again. It was my pleasure to get to know you, although under such stressful circumstances. Please email me. smarie1@hotmail.com Thinking of you,