I was trying to decide whether or not to post pictures of the service...and I decided not to, at least at this time. I am still lost. I do not think that I have come to the realization that my baby girl is gone. It makes me so sad to know that I can not hold her, kiss her, or make her smile. I can not smell her sweet skin, tickle her beautiful chin, or rub her silky hair. It makes me sad to know that I will not hear her cry again or ever get a chance to hear her laugh. My heart is broken.
I haven't really had the chance to "think." We have been so busy and then family and friends have been keeping us company. Night time is the worse. Kaden is in bed and it is quiet and the "craziness" of life is still. My mind starts wondering and remembering and acknowledging. How I wish that we could start Wednesday, May, 7th all over again. For some reason, I feel that if we could start things over and do them a little differently...like me showing up earlier or something that it might have turned out a different way. I didn't even get the chance to hold her that morning before everything happened...there was too much going on and I decided that I would wait until after she had her ultra-sound done that was scheduled. It makes me so angry that I couldn't love on her more that day. I felt that after having Kaden and then Ava that I knew not to take things for granted...breathing on your own, walking, eating...I thought I knew. But you know, I look back and still see things that I have taken for granted. I NEVER EVER really thought that MY baby would pass...NEVER. I knew that it "could" happen and I heard from doctors and nurses that it "could" happen...but I thought, "not my baby." I really anticipated the "when are we going to go home," not the "are we going to go home."
Her funeral service was beautiful. She honestly looked like a beautiful angel. She was surrounded by pink. I can not get out of my mind how bad I want to hold her again. What I would give to hold her again...to have her here again. There are no words to describe what my mind is going through, what my heart is going through. I miss my baby girl.
Nate and I want to thank everyone for all of their support and prayers. It is amazingly overwhelming to have sooo much support behind our family. All of the comments from readers really puts it into perspective how many lives Ava and Kaden have touched. It makes me happy to hear that my babies have changed others views of life. All of our family and friends have done so much to help...you all have gone so out of reach to help lift us up. We could never thank you enough. To Nate's co-workers...thank you, thank you, thank you...for EVERYTHING. You have really made not only Nate but our family feel like a part of yours. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
Please remember Ava for her beauty, her strength, her courage, and her love. She will forever be in our hearts. Mommy, daddy and bubby love you baby girl...forever and ever.
Do Not Worry
9 years ago