My beautiful angel.

This video is of Ava and her never ending hiccups. She was trying so hard to fall asleep.

Last night was difficult for me. I had the hardest time falling asleep...it is becoming a trend. I actually ended up going through her things and trying hard to remember everything about her. It scares me when I feel like I can't remember something...how she felt in my arms, how she smelled, anything. I decided to take one of her blankets to bed and cuddle with it (I got that idea from Micah and Jason...thanks, it is a great idea). I have been having unbelievably good days for awhile now, but last night it just hit...again. I miss her so much. I guess just the thought of not seeing her or holding her crept back into my mind. Not that I don't want to think about those things, it is just easier for me to get through a day not doing so...I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound so mean. Never the less, I miss Ava...EVERYTHING about her.

I love you baby girl, you are forever in my heart.

Firetrucks, No AC and Friends...oh my

Well this morning started off by Kaden getting a haircut. As I was finishing getting him ready and gathering things to get myself ready I began to smell smoke or like something was burning. I yelled at Nate, who was taking a shower so he jumped out and searched with me. We couldn't find anything. Well, it continued and then breaker blew a fuse. So by this time I was running around the apartment like a crazy woman looking for something. We decided to call 911, just to be on the safe side. I did mention to them that it was not an emergency but there was an odor and it was a little smoky and I was hoping somebody could come out to reassure us that things were alright. The dispatcher suggested that we wait outside...just in case. Well, I hear sirens and I think oh great...and then up the road come two different trucks and an ambulance. Wow!!! After everything was said and down they let Kaden sit in the firetruck. He seemed to really enjoy that.

Well, they didn't find a fire but figured it had something to do with the electrical wiring. After getting it inspected it had something to do with the furnace or something that includes the AC and guess what...we don't have AC. The darn AC was trying to start a fire. Oh, I couldn't even imagine.

The day ended on a good note though. Our friends Micah and Jason stopped by. With them they had Kinsley and Gracie. Gracie is such a sweet big sister and oh my gosh Kinsley is sooo cute and tiny. Kristy, a friend I met through Micah, also stopped by. It was very nice to just sit around and chat. We definitely will have to do it again...soon. Thanks for coming by guys and putting up with the heat!!!

Goodnight Ava baby. Sweet dreams. You are always in my heart and in my thoughts.
"I'm glad I didn't know, the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the dance. Holding you, I held everything..."
I'll love you forever...mommy

"The Dance"
By Garth Brooks



Looking back on the memory of


The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right

How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king

But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance




"With Hope"
Steven Curtis Chapman



This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...
We can cry with hope

We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand

And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you

Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...
We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...
We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope






These are the two songs we played at Ava's funeral. We picked these two songs because it felt like we could have written them ourselves...they spoke right from our heart. I often go to bed singing "The Dance" to Ava. Another song that makes me think of her is "One More Day" by Lonestar. I just felt like sharing these lyrics with you all and pictures of my beautiful angel's life here on earth.

Baby girl, you are continuously in my thoughts. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish I could see your face again, hold you again, kiss you again. I love you more then words could ever say. You and your brother are my pride and joy. I wish that I could have had more time with you...oh how I wish. You have taught us along with so many others so much about life. Thank you. Love you forever...mommy

Melts My Heart...

My sweet baby (ok, big) boy takes my breath away. Yesterday, Kaden and I were watching Barnyard (the movie). I am not sure how many of you have seen this movie, but there is a part where Ben the cow dies. At that particular part in the movie, Kaden turns to me and signs "cow" and then "Heaven". He then goes straight to signing "baby" and then again "Heaven," I do have to mention that Kaden has made up a sign for Heaven since I do not know what it is.

Then tonight we did our new ritual of not only picking out a bed-time story for Kaden, but one for Ava as well. Kaden points to Ava's picture in our room to "remind" mommy to bring her picture to bed with us while we read. We said our prayers and he "talked" to sissy. I asked him tonight what he said to her, curious to see if he would be able to sign it to me. He started using his voice again (keep in mind he can only say mama and uh-oh to where we can fully understand what he is saying)...so I asked him if he told sissy that he loves her. He got so excited and squirmy (what he normally does if you guess something he wants, correctly). The rest of our conversation went as follows, with Kaden signing and me replying with words...
Kaden: "me" and what I thought was "sleep."
Me: "you want to sleep?"
He shook his head no and signed it again.
Me: "sad?" (his sleep and sad signs look the same).
Kaden: "yes."
Me: "Are you sad because you miss sissy?"
Kaden: "yes." He continued, "mommy...sad, daddy...sad, grandpa...sad, grandma...sad, nana...sad, me...sad, everybody... sad."
Me: "You're right baby, everybody is sad, everybody misses sissy."

It touched my heart that Kaden figured out how to express to me how he was feeling and that he has a understanding of Ava and what she means to our family. I am happy to know that he loves her and thinks about her as much as Nate and I do.

Fishing Adventure

Mommy trying to be as cool as Kaden, so she borrowed some of grandma's sunglasses!!!!

Starting out.

Half way through...forget fishing, where are my books.

Today was Kaden's first experience at fishing. He didn't catch a fish today, but was pretty close. Mommy is not a great fisher and ended up losing the fish. Oh well, we tried. He did get to see his cousin Miles and his daddy catch some. Right now I would say daddy is out of luck of having a fishing buddy. Maybe when he gets older : ) !!!

I was trying to post some videos but it was just taking to darn long. Maybe when I find more time I will get them up.

Love you baby girl, forever and ever.

Getting Bigger...

Today, Kaden stood up by himself, without holding onto anything...THREE TIMES!!! Then he took off walking without holding on. What a big boy he is growing into. If only we could get the potty training thing down.

It was such a nice day out so Kaden drove his truck to grandpa and grandma's house...daddy bent over most of the way to steer for Kaden. I am hoping that he will figure out how to steer soon...I think he has already had more accidents then I have...and that is a lot : )!!! Last year he ran grandma over and knocked her down...it was pretty funny, probably not so much for her.

I am so thankful for Kaden. He has been keeping us on our toes. He gives us so much strength. However, we miss our baby girl more then words can say, but we have to keep going for Kaden...he deserves it. We have added a book at bedtime for Ava (and put a picture of her in bed with us). We then say our prayers and Kaden "talks" to Ava. Last Kaden gives us our kisses and then we all blow kisses up to Ava in Heaven. I am not sure how much Kaden truly understands. The first day back to school I was told that he signed "mommy, daddy, home" a lot, as if asking for reassurance. I am not sure if he thinks we left Ava, or if he thinks we are going to leave him and go back to the hospital. So, I talked to him again about everything. He knows sissy is in Heaven and points up after signing "baby." It is so hard to explain something to him, that I truly do not understand myself. I am still so shocked by it all and do not find it real. There are many days, especially nights, where I have to fight the urge to call the hospital to check on Ava. That was my routine...stay at the hospital with her all day and leave in between 10:30 and midnight (sometimes later), I would then call from the Ronald McDonald House to check on her before I went to bed. I know that I complained many times that I wanted us to go home, but what I would give to be able to be back at the hospital with her again.

Baby girl, we miss you so much. We love you and will continue to love you every second of our lives. You are so special to us and brought so much joy to our lives...and still do every time we look at your pictures or watch your videos. You are our beautiful angel. Love you forever and ever...mommy, daddy, and bubby

I will try to post a video of Kaden tomorrow. Keep your eyes opened!!!

E-Mail

I just wanted to let you all know that I have tried e-mailing several of you who have asked for my e-mail. I keep getting them back saying that there is an error. You can e-mail me at nateandamy1@yahoo.com . Sorry, I don't know what I am doing wrong.

This is video of Ava playing with one of two of her favorite toys. She had just figured out how to make it make noise a day or two prior to this video. I believe this video was taken on two days before she passed. I finally figured out how to download videos on the blog so I wanted to share it with all of you. I will definately be doing more later but right now it is taking too long to do more then one at a time. I hope you enjoy watching her as much as I have the last 3 1/2 months. (Sorry, I couldn't figure out how to rotate it.)

Mommy, daddy, and bubby miss you baby girl. Love you forever and ever...

Baby Kinsley Is Here

Congratulations Micah, Jason, and Gracie

Micah and Kinsley

Micah and Jason had baby Kinsley today at 12:20pm. Mommy and baby are doing great. Kinsley is healthy and has tons of dark hair (just like Ava did). She is one lucky little girl to have the two of you. We know that Kinsley has her own special angel, but we feel that our little angel Ava is looking after her as well.

Kinsley is beautiful!!! We again, are so happy for you and your family. Keeping you in our thoughts and prayers always.

I also wanted to let those who have asked are we going to continue the blog know that we are. I started the blog for Kaden and had the privelage to write about Ava's life as well...so I will continue to write about both of my babies. Thank you so much for reading.

Forever In Our Hearts...

I was trying to decide whether or not to post pictures of the service...and I decided not to, at least at this time. I am still lost. I do not think that I have come to the realization that my baby girl is gone. It makes me so sad to know that I can not hold her, kiss her, or make her smile. I can not smell her sweet skin, tickle her beautiful chin, or rub her silky hair. It makes me sad to know that I will not hear her cry again or ever get a chance to hear her laugh. My heart is broken.

I haven't really had the chance to "think." We have been so busy and then family and friends have been keeping us company. Night time is the worse. Kaden is in bed and it is quiet and the "craziness" of life is still. My mind starts wondering and remembering and acknowledging. How I wish that we could start Wednesday, May, 7th all over again. For some reason, I feel that if we could start things over and do them a little differently...like me showing up earlier or something that it might have turned out a different way. I didn't even get the chance to hold her that morning before everything happened...there was too much going on and I decided that I would wait until after she had her ultra-sound done that was scheduled. It makes me so angry that I couldn't love on her more that day. I felt that after having Kaden and then Ava that I knew not to take things for granted...breathing on your own, walking, eating...I thought I knew. But you know, I look back and still see things that I have taken for granted. I NEVER EVER really thought that MY baby would pass...NEVER. I knew that it "could" happen and I heard from doctors and nurses that it "could" happen...but I thought, "not my baby." I really anticipated the "when are we going to go home," not the "are we going to go home."

Her funeral service was beautiful. She honestly looked like a beautiful angel. She was surrounded by pink. I can not get out of my mind how bad I want to hold her again. What I would give to hold her again...to have her here again. There are no words to describe what my mind is going through, what my heart is going through. I miss my baby girl.

Nate and I want to thank everyone for all of their support and prayers. It is amazingly overwhelming to have sooo much support behind our family. All of the comments from readers really puts it into perspective how many lives Ava and Kaden have touched. It makes me happy to hear that my babies have changed others views of life. All of our family and friends have done so much to help...you all have gone so out of reach to help lift us up. We could never thank you enough. To Nate's co-workers...thank you, thank you, thank you...for EVERYTHING. You have really made not only Nate but our family feel like a part of yours. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Please remember Ava for her beauty, her strength, her courage, and her love. She will forever be in our hearts. Mommy, daddy and bubby love you baby girl...forever and ever.

Date and Time...

Today Nate and I had a VERY busy day. My parents watched Kaden for us and we went out to set up all of the arrangements.

Visitation will be held on Monday before the service. It will begin at 9:00 am. The service will follow at 10:30. There will be a luncheon held afterwards. We encourage everyone to wear "cheerful" colors. But please wear the color you are most comfortable in. Thanks.

Nate and I want to thank everybody for all of their support. I am at a loss of words to explain how loved we feel and how much Ava touched everyone. Everyone is going over and beyond to help and we appreciate everything. A special thanks to the Police Dept and Amy.

To All Of Our Family and Friends...

Nate and I thank you so much for your love, support, prayers and comforting words. We are in the process of making arrangements for Ava's service. We will be meeting with the funeral home director tomorrow morning, but we were told that Monday will work. So we are shooting for Monday. I will post tomorrow the time, date and location.

We again, thank you for everything. We have been touched by an angel and it makes us happy to know that you have been as well.

I can not sleep so I decided to look at the blog...knowing that each and everyone of your words would help ease the pain, if only for a second. I am in total shock right now. I can not believe this has happen to our precious baby girl. Nate had called this morning to check on Ava and she was doing wonderfully. I got there and she was alright, not very happy because she was being suctioned and things just went downhill from there. The doctor does not exactly know what happened. It seriously came out of nowhere. The pictures I posted below today were from yesterday. I posted them while she was getting suctioned today, before everything happened. I talked to her a little trying to calm her after suctioning and a diaper change. I wanted to hold her but we were waiting for ultrasound to come up so I thought I would wait until after that...but we never made it that far. I don't feel like I spent quality time with her today and it breaks my heart to no end. That's it...my heart is truly broken.

Deep down inside I kept telling myself she will come out of this...she just needs a little time. Then the doctor told me that he did all that he could and told me that he wanted me to hold her. This has to be a nightmare, why am I not waking up? We were all just talking about how she is doing so well that she should be going home soon. How can this be happening? I love her so much and I wanted her to come home and complete our family. It is not fair for her. She fought soooo hard, smiling all the while. I could never get enough of her beautiful smile. Both sides of the family came up and we all squeezed into her room and just loved on her. We stayed with her for the longest time. Everyone left Nate and I to be with her so we loved on her some more. Leaving her was the hardest thing. We left her with the chaplain and her primary night nurse. She will FOREVER be loved.

I am so thankful that God chose Nate and I to be Ava's mommy and daddy. I am glad he gave us the opportunity to love this precious baby girl. I am thankful for the happy days she has had (especially the last 5 or 6) and for the smiles I captured on camera. I feel so blessed to be Ava's mommy and for having her in my life for the last 3 1/2 months, and in my heart forever.

Thank you all for your support...it REALLY means a lot to us. I am sorry I posted tonight, but in a way it has been a little bit of a relief to just be able to get things out.

Ava Rae Boeckman

Jan. 31, 2008 - May 7, 2008

Today, things took a turn for the worse. I do not have the energy right now to post much. The doctors did everything they could but sadly she did not make it through. I was able to hold her and tell her how much I love her. Nate was at work but drove down as fast as he could. This is so unbelievable to me. She was doing awesome. It feels like a bad bad dream that I can not wake up from. So unreal. Thank you all for all of your prayers.

These pictures were taken on May 6, 2008.

Hanging out with friends

One of my closest friends from high school and her daughter
Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books

Little Steps Forward

Sucking away

My friend Michelle, her husband Jade and daughter Bryona
Bryona

Yesterday, my friend from high school came to visit with her husband and daughter. It was so great to see them. Bryona is getting so big.

OT (occupational therapy) worked a little with Ava yesterday. She was stretching out the muscles in her hands when Ava got upset. She was wanting to suck on her fingers, so I put the binkie in her mouth and she started sucking on that instead. The OT asked if she has been sucking on her binkie much and I told her that she does well when she wants to but I think she prefers her fingers (she just truly started sucking on them yesterday). The OT then started working with her mouth and observing her suck reflex. She said that she thinks that Ava is ready to try a bottle. The OT that worked with Ava yesterday is not her regular OT, so she has to speak with the other and make sure she agrees. The doctor said that if they feel she is ready then there is no reason not to try. I am so excited. Keep it up baby girl...little steps in the right direction.

Breathing On Her Own Still...

Before being extubated. Ava has found her fingers...evidently they are yummy.
Too cool.
"Duh, mom."


Ava is still of of the vent. However, she does require some liter flow. Right now she is only on 3/4 of a liter and 100% oxygen and maintains her sats alright. She is begining to breathe a little harder, but I think it is due to the fluid that continues to surround her lungs. It just seems like we can never get her lungs dry enough. I wish they could come up with something that will help...maybe a little magic!!!

So, I put this little wind chime type toy up for her and she is starting to figure out that she needs to hit it to make noise....so cute. I got it on video, I just still can not figure out how to post it. BUT...I did, finally, get the cord that hooks the camera up to the computer to download the pictures. I will now be able to post pictures more frequently. Knowing me, probably every post. I think pictures are so fun!!! Hope you enjoy!!!

update

Just wanted to let everyone know that Ava is hanging in there. She is getting a lot of drainage from a chest tube that was placed yesterday in the right side of her chest (I can't remember if I posted that or not). I think this maybe helping her this time while off of the vent. She seems comfy and seems to breathing easily. Please continue to pray for her strength, successful extubation, and healing. Thank you so much.

One More Try...

Please keep Ava in your prayers today. At about three o'clock they are going to give Ava one more chance to be extubated. If she can not tolerate it they will go ahead and trach her. I will update later.

Kaden wants to help type, so I will let him tell you some things : )!!!
cow
apple moo kaden smart movie blue walk ear quice kiss joe all done

So, I am not too sure what exactly it is that Kaden was trying to tell you. I will try to make some sense of it. The cow, apple, moo...well, I guess he is telling you that the cow moo's but not sure why he threw apple in the mix. Then he typed his name and I told him he was smart so he typed that. Then I think what he was telling you is that he is watching a movie...Blues Clues. I don't know where ear came from or even what the next word is...he kept signing something after typing it but I don't know for sure what he was trying to say. He typed kiss and then gave me a kiss and then added Joe and pointed to his movie...Joe on Blues Clues. Then from what you can read...he was all done. He is so helpful sometimes. I feel like he has sooo much to say. Last night the two of us were communicating and he was full of information. I just feel so bad for him at times...thinking of how frustrated it would be to not be able to get my point across or just tell someone exactly what is on my mind. I am so proud of him though, to be able to figure out a way to get his point across as clearly as he does.

What about the storms that blew through last night?? Geez. The tornado sirens went off twice yesterday evening and I was with Kaden by myself. Nate was up here at the hospital. The RMH manager was so sweet though, she ran up to our room both times to help me carry him and his stuff downstairs to the basement. Well, then I woke up around 2 this morning and looked outside. The wind was blowing sooo hard. Nate and I turned on the tv to see what was going on. They said that the winds were between 50-70 mph. CRAZY. It kind of scared me. There are so many trees down. I kept looking out the bedroom window because across the street the house has a porch swing. That thing was going to town, I was scared it was going to end up braking out the house window. Well, we survived...I probably lost 10 pounds running Kaden and his stuff up and down three flights of stairs!!! Well, I hope everyone who was caught in this storm stayed safe and didn't have too much damage.