Flashback...

Today, as I was driving home for lunch I tried to call Nate. He didn't charge his phone last night, so it went straight to voicemail. I then got this really panicked feeling and begin to immediately think of the day that Ava passed away. I began to replay the events in my mind and it all started with me trying to call Nate and I couldn't get a hold of him so I called dispatch and I remember them asking me if everything was alright. I said "yes," through my crying and remember telling them that it was very important.

I don't know if it is the upcoming holidays that brought this on or just something that will occasionally happen to me for the rest of my life. It really tugged on my heart, it just seemed so real again. I remember going out into the waiting room to call Nate because I was upset that they were going to reintubate her (put her back on the vent), that is when I couldn't get a hold of him. After I talked to him, I remember sitting there waiting to be able to go back in her room and then the chaplain came out. Even writing about it right now is making me lose my breath. I remember thinking that the nurses called for her just because I was so upset about the ventilator. Then someone else came out and told me that things were not looking good and asked if there was someone they could call. We went into a private room and they began to call Nate and my dad. Then someone came and got me saying that I needed to go to her room because they didn't think she was going to make it. I remember standing by her bed watching the doctor do CPR and not being able to breathe. They told me to sit down and I just sat there crying. Then the doctor talked to me and the next thing I know is they put her in my arms and used the bag to breathe for her a couple of times and then disconnected it. I remember feeling so bad for her, so bad for Nate that he had to drive up there knowing all this was going on and not being able to be by her side. I remember having the chaplain call him and let him know that she did not make it. I remember being confused about how to go about letting Kaden know. I remember it not feeling real, feeling like I was having a horrible nightmare and I couldn't wake up. I remember all those things like it was yesterday, but I can't remember how she felt in my arms, the important things like that.

Today, I still feel like I was dreaming, but that everything was a dream. Ava was a dream. I miss her so much and I wish that she didn't feel so far away from us. I know that I will continue to carry her in my heart, but it is not the same as if she were in my arms. How I wish I could hold her again, see her again. I look at her pictures over and over, but it is not the same.

I love you baby girl. Mommy, daddy and bubby miss you so much. You will forever be a part of us.