On another note I was very close to putting up the Christmas tree today. I normally put it up a little on the early side, but never this early. I was a little bored and asked Kaden if he wanted to put up the tree. He signed "yes" but I ended up deciding to wait a little longer.. I don't want others to think that I am crazy. I love this time of year and it keeps getting better as Kaden keeps getting older. His understanding of Santa and how great it is to open gifts is so much fun to watch.
However, this year will be more bitter/sweet. I love seeing the excitement in Kaden when he talks about Santa, but at the same time I realize that we will not have Ava here to share in that excitement. It is getting more and more difficult to accept that she is not here during these holidays. I didn't get to dress her up for her first Halloween. She will not be tasting her first Thanksgiving dinner with us (or making a mess with it), she won't be sitting with us around the tree her first Christmas morning...and she will not have the chance to dig into her cake on her first birthday. It is hard to realize how much we have missed already with her. With that being said...I am thankful that I got to hold her that first time (and every single time after that), give her her first kiss. Give her her first bath, change that first diaper. See her first smile, paint her toenails for the first time, hear her cry for the first time, see her suck on her fingers for the first time, making Kaden a big brother for the first time. I know that although she was here for a very short time (97 days), she made a big impact on my life by letting me experience all of those firsts' with her. It might be selfish, I just wish that we could have experienced a WHOLE LOT more with her.
Mommy, daddy, and bubby love you baby girl and miss you every day. Sweet dreams angel love.
Love you always and forever.
Mommy holding Ava for the first time...
Kaden's first Christmas at home...
Doesn't he look so little.
10 comments:
Well last night I kept hearing the neighbors dog barking in the back yard and when I went to look out (around midnight) I saw they had put christmas lights out on thier deck. Don't get me wrong, I just have to laught that as I'm driving down my street, I see Halloween and X-mas decor out at the same time.
I hope that you can feel peace with Ava and know she is in the best place for her. I know that it doesn't make it any easier but she is still with you even though she'n not in your view.
Take care and give Kaden a great big hug from us.
Your post just brought me to tears, good tears. I really didn't think about all of the "firsts" until you posted about them.
Oh... I asked Kyle to put up my Christmas lights on the house yesterday and he told me I was NUTS!!! I tried to make him think I only wanted him to put them up because it was a nice day so he didn't have to put them up when it's really cold or snowing. However, I had other motives. I wanted to turn them on tonight! He told me he put them up so I can turn them on Thanksgiving night.
I am just so excited for Christmas this year!!!
I am so glad that you posted about the 5 minutes for mom giveaway. I have a family I thought of just when I read it.
They say the firsts are so very hard without your child. The 2nds and 3rds and on and on without them is just difficult, too. I think it is partly the selfish part of us as mommies that wishes for it, but I think even greater than that is just our deep and intense love for them which longs to have them here with us. Of course there is joy and gratitude for what we had and still have, but it doesn't mean we can't and don't feel disappointment and sorrow for the little ones who are no longer in our arms, though forever in our hearts.
It breaks my heart a thousand times over that you won't get to experience all of that with Ava. At the same time you have such a great appreciation for the little things, like painting her toenails. That is one thing these kids like Ava, Kaden and Bella have brought to our lives. They have taught us to appreciate all things. The slightest milestones to some are huge to us. You learn to hang onto every detail and cherish each moment. You and Nate and your beautiful children are some of the most amazing people I have ever had the privilage to know. You are in our daily thoughts and prayers always!!!
Love and Hugs
Megan
p.s. I can't wait to put my tree up either!!
Well in regards to the christmas tree I noticed that there are already several christmas lights up and going around town here. I also don't think it is too early to put the tree up. I will be helping to decorate the church this comming weekend so if it's not to early for the lord then it's not to early for you.(lol). I know the feelings about missing Ava on the holidays. I still miss Madison so so much. One of the things I like to do is go ahead and buy her what I think she might like or what I would have liked for her to have then I give those items to cops for tots it helps me feel as though she was a part of our holidays and it also helps others that are in need.
Keeping you all in our thoughts.
I too came close to putting things out....had to remind myself that Tucker will be into everything this year and I can save a little sanity by waiting. I love this time of year, the world seems quiet and at peace. I took down the scarecrow and corn though...in preparation. Todd will hang out lights soon. Gotta get them up before it gets too cold and it cant be done.
Alisha does all my blog stuff on my blog. I am computer DUMB on most things. You might ask her. I will drop her a line and let her know you are asking about doing something, I am sure she will be glad to advice.
How are you coming on the computer for Kaden? Do you need additional funding for it? I can do some phone calls to some sources I have. Let me know.
Love you. You are such a great mommy. I know Ava is watching out for you all (including her new baby brother). My tears continue to flow for you all. I'll be thinking about you this holiday season (and hopefully see you soon as well).
I am thinking of you during these difficult "firsts" that you will not have with Ava. She was never even mine, but I too think of them as well. Just remember...she is with you in your heart! She is watching over you all and is the best angel out there.
Rachel
What adorable pictures!!!
I really want to put our tree up now too!!!! I never put ours up early, but I am so excited for them to experience it all!
I know you don't really know me, I came across your blog from a blog of a friend, from a blog of a friend, etc. :) I love the pictures....your children are beautiful. I will be praying for your family...and I am so excited that Kaden has his own bedroom set! :) He is such a little sweetheart.
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