Monday, November 24, 2008

Flashback...

Today, as I was driving home for lunch I tried to call Nate. He didn't charge his phone last night, so it went straight to voicemail. I then got this really panicked feeling and begin to immediately think of the day that Ava passed away. I began to replay the events in my mind and it all started with me trying to call Nate and I couldn't get a hold of him so I called dispatch and I remember them asking me if everything was alright. I said "yes," through my crying and remember telling them that it was very important.

I don't know if it is the upcoming holidays that brought this on or just something that will occasionally happen to me for the rest of my life. It really tugged on my heart, it just seemed so real again. I remember going out into the waiting room to call Nate because I was upset that they were going to reintubate her (put her back on the vent), that is when I couldn't get a hold of him. After I talked to him, I remember sitting there waiting to be able to go back in her room and then the chaplain came out. Even writing about it right now is making me lose my breath. I remember thinking that the nurses called for her just because I was so upset about the ventilator. Then someone else came out and told me that things were not looking good and asked if there was someone they could call. We went into a private room and they began to call Nate and my dad. Then someone came and got me saying that I needed to go to her room because they didn't think she was going to make it. I remember standing by her bed watching the doctor do CPR and not being able to breathe. They told me to sit down and I just sat there crying. Then the doctor talked to me and the next thing I know is they put her in my arms and used the bag to breathe for her a couple of times and then disconnected it. I remember feeling so bad for her, so bad for Nate that he had to drive up there knowing all this was going on and not being able to be by her side. I remember having the chaplain call him and let him know that she did not make it. I remember being confused about how to go about letting Kaden know. I remember it not feeling real, feeling like I was having a horrible nightmare and I couldn't wake up. I remember all those things like it was yesterday, but I can't remember how she felt in my arms, the important things like that.

Today, I still feel like I was dreaming, but that everything was a dream. Ava was a dream. I miss her so much and I wish that she didn't feel so far away from us. I know that I will continue to carry her in my heart, but it is not the same as if she were in my arms. How I wish I could hold her again, see her again. I look at her pictures over and over, but it is not the same.

I love you baby girl. Mommy, daddy and bubby miss you so much. You will forever be a part of us.

12 comments:

The Bryant Family said...

OMG Amy, I cannot even imagine. My eyes are watering as i read...I know she is looking down on you. that is the only thing I do truly know, that she is watching after you.
Hang in there....HUGS!!

My Three Sons said...

It is so natural to relive certain events in our lives. I don't think it helps that it is close to the holidays or that you are pregnant. I think that makes it even harder.

Ava knows how much you love her and she is always a part of your heart. Remember that the sweet memories you have with her will never be taken away from you. Hold on to those a remember that you have such a huge support group. There are so many people that love who you are Amy. You are such a wonderful person.

Take care and give me a call if you need anything.

PS, buy Nate an extra battery for his phone for X-mas. :-)

Izzy 'N Emmy said...

*hugs*

Anonymous said...

Amy, my son passed away last summer. I too have certain things that will trigger a "flashback" just like you described. Some days it is the simplest thing, like a song on the radio or one day I was sitting at the exact stoplight I would always turn to go to the hospital. I don't know what it is, because sometimes I am fine, but then the littlest things can just send me into tears and a panic and I just re-live the whole experience. I think this is normal, even though that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I'm so sorry that you won't get to spend the holidays with Ava, she is such a beautiful baby. You are a wonderful Mom, thanks for sharing your story. I'll be thinking of you.

Pam said...

Oh Amy, my heart aches for you. I relive the day that we almost lost Rhett over and over and over again.

I know it's not anywhere near what you are going through, and I cannot say I know how you feel, because I don't.

But I do know the fear of watching them doing CPR, and the Dr's saying that he might not make it.

I remember every breath, every face, and every sound that was going on in that PICU. I remember parents walking by and the looks on their faces, of "Thank God that's not my kid."

It hurts. It always hurts. Those are images that no parent should EVER have in their head. Not of their child.

Know that we are praying for you, and even though I never "met" Ava, I miss her too. I hurt when you guys hurt.

(((HUGS)))

Angie said...

My heart was breaking all over again for you as I read this. I can't imagine what you have been through and I know you must relive it more than you can count. Just know that she is up there watching you without pain and suffering. She is taking care of the whole family and having fun with you. Hold onto all the memories-they will help you through another day. You are in my thoughts tonight!
Angie

Rachel said...

I am so sorry for your hurting heart. I can not stop the tears in my eyes! I, too fell in love with Ava from the start. I just knew she'd pull through.. I prayed every day, every night, every second that I was awake.

I'm so sorry that your baby is gone, but remember...she's in your heart........FOREVER!!!!!

I cannot even begin to feel what you are feeling, but I am here. I love you with all my heart and soul and pray for you all day everyday that the pain will subside someday.

You are an inspiration. You are a strong, wonderful woman and Ava was an inspiration to me as well.

I think of you everyday, pray for you everyday and love you everyday. If you ever need someone....you call me! 816-699-3387. I'm not far away and I'll be there in the drop of a hat.

Hold tough, dear friend....Hold tough for that beautiful girl that loves you from Heaven!

Love and Prayers Forever,

Rachel

Caden said...

Amy,

I'm so sorry that you have to relive those moments. No one should have to go through that. Know that you have many many people out there that are willing to listen and help in any way we can. Thinking of you guys.

Ashlea

Kyle, Aimee and Ava said...

((Hugs)) my heart just aches for you. I truly do believe that little Ava is still watching over you and your family.

Isabella said...

Oh Amy, it breaks my heart for you and Nate. I know you want so much to beable to hold your sweet baby girl in your arms.
We are praying for you always.
Love and Hugs
Megan

Liz and Shane Nelson said...

My heart breaks for you as I read this. I am praying for you.

~plaid said...

I feel so troubled that our minds can so vividly recall these heart-breaking, soul-crushing moments; and yet there is, like you say, such a distance to those warm, tender memories. I am so sorry all over again.