I just have been thinking about how lucky I am to experience the greatest love that there is...being a mommy. I can not explain how much I love my babies. I am totally head over heals for them. I try not to think about the negative all of the time, but I can not get over the fact of how difficult it is as a mommy (or daddy) to sit back and watch your baby (or babies) go through something you have no control over. I miss Ava every day. I feel that she is watching over us and helping me keep Kaden as well as Brody safe. But yet, as a mommy I want to know that Kaden is happy, that he is treated fair when I am not around. I want others to love him as much as I love him. I want them to believe in him, as much as I believe in him. He is a true gift, not only to me, but to those who open their world to him. He is the most friendly, loving boy I know. I can not get enough of his kisses or big hugs. He tells us he loves us all of the time(by typing it on his lightwriter) and he continues to tell us that he loves Ava and now Brody. He types "kiss" and then kisses us, or "hug" and then hugs us. He can make me smile through anything.
Since everything has happened, I feel that I have become more "over-protected" of Kaden. I do not like leaving him to go to work, I don't even like taking him to school. I don't like the fact that I can not be there with him all of the time. I don't know if that is because of the kind of person I am, or if it's because of the person I have become. I wish I could put Kaden in a bubble and know that nothing will ever hurt him physically or emotionally. I know that is impossible. I know (deep, deep down) that it is "good" for Kaden to experience life. He deserves it, but he also deserves to be treated fairly, to be treated just like everyone else.
Tomorrow, Kaden is going to be sitting in the pre-K class to see how it goes. I am excited for him, but also scared for him. He didn't seem to excited about it tonight when we talked about it which makes me want to say "never mind, you don't have to go to pre-K, you can stay were you are comfortable." Then, I have to talk myself into letting him grow up and tell myself that he is a big boy, he can handle it. I think what worries me is that the teacher seems "intimidated" (for lack of a better word) to have him in her class. Our first experience of Kaden going to school was great...although I was sad that he was already going. The teacher and para's were amazing. They welcomed him with open arms, and, well, I guess I just expected that from everyone. However, that is not the case. I don't feel as comfortable letting him go. I know that with time (and probably very little time) this teacher will fall in love with him too.
I added "My Wish" by Rascall Flatts again to our song list because whenever I hear this song, I think about Kaden and now Brody. It is very fitting.
Kaden, angel Ava, and baby Brody,
I love you guys more then I will EVER be able to tell you. I hope you feel every ounce of it. I promise to always be there for you, no matter what the situation. I hope you feel that you can come to me with anything. I hope that you know that daddy and mommy feel blessed that you are in our lives and that you all are very much wanted. We love, love, love you guys, forever and always.
March 31st is Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia Awareness Day. Please wear turquoise this day for Kaden and all of the other's who have been diagnoised with this birth defect.
Jan. 31, 2008 to May 7, 2008 You are in our hearts and will be forever. We love you baby girl and miss you so much.
Our Big Boy
We love you bubby.
While we try to teach our children about life, our children teach us what life is all about. (author unknown)
Special Angel In Heaven
There's a special Angel in Heaven that is a part of me. It is not where I wanted her but where God wanted her to be.
She was here but just a moment like a night time shooting star. And though she is in Heaven she isn't very far.
She touched the heart of many like only an Angel can do. I would've held her every minute if the end I only knew.
So I send this special message to the Heaven up above. Please take care of my Angel and send her all my love. -Author unknown
A WALK TO REMEMBER
I walk to remember the steps you'll never take. I carry you with me as I firmly plant my feet. Our trek started long ago, before my belly swelled. You were a love that grew-like butterfly wings that beat. Your gentle flutters than became kicks upon which I would dwell. And I would talk to you, sweet babe, about the world you soon would meet. The sun always shown upon us then-when you were in my womb. And I was eager to show you the world that would have been your home. How you'd have loved the sun shining-blue skies without a cloud. The autumn leaves turning-the snow falling all around. The flowers in the summer,would have filled your eyes with smiles. And the rain that might have fallen would have caused you great surprise. You would have traveled far with me-holding me by the hand. And I'd have shown you all I could-more than I can imagine. You hold my heart tightly now, as thought we're holding hands. How far we've traveled, little one-and my life with you has been sweet. For I carry you in my heart as I firmly plant my feet.
I have four wonderful, beautiful children. Three are here on earth with us, the other received her wings and is now in Heaven watching over us. I take pride in my children, they are the strongest people I have ever met. I have been blessed to be a part of their lives. I am TRULY grateful that God chose my husband and I to love these children. I have never known a greater love than a mommy's love.
THE CHOSEN ONES I had a dream the other night. It came to me so clear. I stood before the throne of God,afraid to come too near. God said to me, "I hear your prayers. There are answers you can't find. I brought you here to talk to me and help to ease your mind. "I said,"Well, yes, God, I am upset...About my special one. This punishment is awfully harsh...Whatever have I done?" God looked at me and shook his head, He said, "My Dear, you've got it wrong. I sent this special child to you because you are so strong. I searched and searched to try and find someone with a love so rare. Parents so unselfish they could give him that special care. I try to save my special gifts,like those you're speaking of,for a special kind of parents I call the 'Chosen Ones. 'Of all the ones to choose from,I know I've got it done...Parents who deserve my best,an honor you have won." -Unknown