Sunday, March 15, 2009

Missing My Angel...

The title says it all. I miss Ava. I know it's expected, but some days are worse then others, or rather month. I think about Ava all of the time, but I go through these spurts of remembering the sad moments. Lately, I haven't been able to get the day that she passed away out of my head, I pretty much live it over and over again, step by step. It amazes me how I can remember EVERYTHING that happened that day, but I can not remember how Ava felt in my arms, I can not remember what she smelled like, I can not remember all of the good things. But the memories from May 7th felt like it was only yesterday, however it feels like she was here so long ago. That was the worst experience, and nobody should ever have to go through anything like it. I know that I should be happy that Ava is not experiencing pain, and I am, but I wish it were under other circumstances...for instance that she was healed here on earth. As you have read in our previous post, there is a surgeon in Boston that repairs these hypoplastic left hearts...he makes them whole again. It makes me sad and basically sick to my stomach wondering "what if?". What if we would have known about this? Could we have gone to Boston to get Ava's heart repaired? Would it have worked? Would Ava still be here with us?

I know things happen for a reason. Trust me, I KNOW, we have experienced it one too many times. Maybe it's on my mind because of all the deaths that have been happening around us. In one month, 3 people that I personally know, have passed away. My dad's cousin is laying in a hospital, in a coma fighting for his life.

Many people say that death is nothing to fear, but it is my biggest. I am in fear of dying too young...I am a mommy and I want to be here with my kids forever. I am scared of family members dying. I think of things that can go wrong all to often, I know...definitly not healthy. Is that normal??? I think I am going to end this post before I make myself have nightmares when I get to bed.

Sorry, this ended up way off of where I was going. I just started typing away.


Mia hat eins mehr! said...

Amy, after reading your post today I thought I would like to share my experience with all this. I don`t want to offend you or advise you, I just want to tell you what I was told, sometimes it`s difficult to tell things in a foreign language, I hope you don`t get me wrong ;-)

Now, a couple of months after Mias dead I knew that I need help and started a conversational therapy. I asked all the things I could ask and I still do so.

Because I am, we are, in a situation we never expected, we don`t know how to behave, we don`t know what`s right and what`s wrong and everything is upside down. And all the time it is the "why me" and "What if I had done this and that" that we do ask ourself constantly. Everything changed.

An example, I find myself scared of a lot of things nowadays. I was never scared of flying. Now, I booked a flight to Ireland at easter to visit some friends. I think about a plane crash all the time. I dreamed of it. I wrote down my last will last week. I know that this plane can crash. It is not just the others. Does that sound mentally sick?

My therapist told me that parents who lost a baby are realistic. They will never be in that cover of "it´s always the others" again. We are changed, for the rest of our lives. We are more scared of everything than ever. But in all this there is the opportunity to live in a different way, be thankful for every day, every minute.

About the forgetting. I completely felt the same like you did. I couldn`t remember the important things like to hold her and that made me so sad. I started to write down everything about our days in hospitals one year ago, a thing that I tried to avoid all the time. To go back in time and crawl in the memory was on one hand very hard, I cried a lot of times, but on the other hand Mia came back to me, all the intense feelings, her smell, her laugh. Maybe, if you take some time, just for yourself, let yourself go into it, open your heart for all the pain and the good memory....

Love from Germany

BiLlY, sAm, AnD bOyS!!! said...

I am so sorry for all that you have been through, the what if's never do seem to go away do they? I think of things like that all to often! People who say you shouldn't fear death (in my opinion) say that because they are SO scared of it themselves. You and your family are always in my thoughts!

Niff said...

I think when you've experienced a profound loss, like you loosing Ava, that you do become fearful of all the possibilities of things gone wrong. I think it's entirely normal, and would probably raise an eyebrow if you didn't feel that way.


Valerie said...

Oh heart breaks when I read today's post. I am sorry for the loss of Baby Ava; for all the heartbreak, anxiety, and stress that you have had to endure.

I understand your fears; not that I have experienced the loss of a child in the way that you have, but as the mother of 5 angel babies in Heaven and 2 sweet souls here on earth, I fear the loss of my children or my loss for them. I worry (even if it is irrational) that b/c we did IVF to achieve a healthy conception that I side-stepped God's plan for our lives. I think that as mother's of special needs babies/ IVF/ adoption, etc. we hold certain fears and worries closer to hearts than others or that should even be necessary...unfortunately it is the nature of our circumstances.

I pray that as time passes, your heart will heal from the loss of Baby Ava. No amount of time will erase the sadness when you think of losing your precious daughter, but perhaps the sting will lessen. As your new title states you have 2 beautiful earth-bound souls and one watching over you from Heaven above.

SammyJo said...

I came across your blog by pure chance today and I can't stop reading. You guys are an extremely beautiful couple - obviously "outside", but above all, inside. It is amazing how strong, powerful and affectionate people you are!

(No surprise to me to meet my wonderful friend Claudia here, btw :))

I wish you all the very best!
Lots of love from overseas - Alex

Izzy 'N Emmy said...

I can't imagine what's it's like to live those moments over and over. I feel for you and the pain you must feel. I have no advice, only hope that it gets better with time.

As for fearing death, it's my biggest. You are not the only one. I hate to think about it.

Have a good week, and I love the new title!

The Bryant Family said...

I too love the new title. I dont what to say other than I am sooo sorry Amy. I think you pinned it on the head though, as mommies we want to be here for our kids, and our kids here with us. We want to watch them grown, help them learn, do whatever we can to make them successful. I feel, not of dieing, but dieing before these things happen, before I am ready to go or that someone I love goes before I am ready for them to go. (selfish I know)
We have had some rough roads but are very lucky and blessed Tuck is still here. I fear death every day.....
Hugs to you....I think of you often. I know it doesnt help the pain of missing her but she is watching over you and the boys....from above as your title says.

Anonymous said...

Amy, I was saddened by the post I read today. I dearly miss Ava also and I am certain all the hearts she touched while she was with us are saddened also. I want you to remember that we are here for you if you need to talk. Also, I know you have a wonderful loving husband and you should talk to him also, he may be having the same feelings as you do but just does not know how to express them since he is a guy and all and they are supposed to be so manly and masculine and not show feelings or let people see them cry. You and Nathan have two wonderful little boys that love you both, and Angel Ava will always be in your hearts and she will always be watching over you. They say things happen for a reason and yes we question sometimes why? We will never understand it but remember that God only gives us things that he knows we can handle and you are one heck of a strong Mommy.

Katie said...

Amy - your posts are always so straight from the heart. This post was no exception. My heart just goes out to you and your family for everything you have endured. Your posts always make me even more thankful for my children. As for your worries, I too have the same obsessive worries - what if something happens to one of my kids or what if I leave them? I can't bear the thought. I have made my hubby promise to do the little silly things I do with my kids just in case...So your worries are definitely shared. I wish you and your family nothing but peace and happiness in the future. You all are amazing!!!

Zachery&Allie*Mommy said...

Amy, I try to keep up on your post to see how you all are doing, when I read how you miss your little girl it makes me so sad for you and I get this lump in my throat,and it makes me cry to read your blog I can't say that I know how you feel because I have never lost a child, I don't know if you remeber the last time I seen you at CMH when Zachery and Allie was in the hospital and it had to of been around the first of May,..Amy honestly I don't even know what to say... but I told you that my sister lost her son at birth, and then a few months ago she had a miscarriage, know she fears, and doesn't want to try to have a famiy, it is only natural to fear the things that you do, Amy you have had so much happen in your life, I set and think that I thought I had it tought with having two kids, that have diabilites, I don't know if I could handel things as well as you do,but that is all nothing it seems they are here with me I couldn't imaging losing Zachery or Allie, oh it makes me cry to think about it anyways you have two beautiful boys that I know love you very much, and I know that you are a wonderful know us NICu moms are great:):) over time maybe a long time you heart will slowing mend you will always love and miss Ava, but try not to fear,I know that you have lots of friends and family to talk to, but if there is ever a time that you need to talk you can call me, I'm always up late around here cleaning up:) 660-359-3780