The title says it all. I miss Ava. I know it's expected, but some days are worse then others, or rather month. I think about Ava all of the time, but I go through these spurts of remembering the sad moments. Lately, I haven't been able to get the day that she passed away out of my head, I pretty much live it over and over again, step by step. It amazes me how I can remember EVERYTHING that happened that day, but I can not remember how Ava felt in my arms, I can not remember what she smelled like, I can not remember all of the good things. But the memories from May 7th felt like it was only yesterday, however it feels like she was here so long ago. That was the worst experience, and nobody should ever have to go through anything like it. I know that I should be happy that Ava is not experiencing pain, and I am, but I wish it were under other circumstances...for instance that she was healed here on earth. As you have read in our previous post, there is a surgeon in Boston that repairs these hypoplastic left hearts...he makes them whole again. It makes me sad and basically sick to my stomach wondering "what if?". What if we would have known about this? Could we have gone to Boston to get Ava's heart repaired? Would it have worked? Would Ava still be here with us?
I know things happen for a reason. Trust me, I KNOW, we have experienced it one too many times. Maybe it's on my mind because of all the deaths that have been happening around us. In one month, 3 people that I personally know, have passed away. My dad's cousin is laying in a hospital, in a coma fighting for his life.
Many people say that death is nothing to fear, but it is my biggest. I am in fear of dying too young...I am a mommy and I want to be here with my kids forever. I am scared of family members dying. I think of things that can go wrong all to often, I know...definitly not healthy. Is that normal??? I think I am going to end this post before I make myself have nightmares when I get to bed.
Sorry, this ended up way off of where I was going. I just started typing away.
Do Not Worry
8 years ago