Thursday, June 26, 2008

On My Mind...

A lot has been on my mind lately, especially at night when I am laying in bed trying to go to sleep. Of course, most of it has to do with Ava. I am so confused with my emotions. I continue to feel like I am not grieving like a mommy should. I know that everybody handles things differently and there is not a "right" way to grieve but what I don't know is why it is bothering me so much.

I think about Ava all of the time. I miss her so much...but at the same time I almost felt like I never really had her. I don't want this to come out wrong or for people to take it the wrong way because I loved her and continue to love her more then words can say. It just feels like she left us so long ago. Like it's been years or something since she passed away. The other night when I was laying in bed I started questioning my emotions (or lack of). I started remembering the bond that Ava and I had. We had a very strong bond. I know that she knew who I was. I know that she trusted me and I know that she loved me and she knew that I loved her. I know that I comforted her and she comforted me. I know that I could make her smile and make her feel better. We had that mother and daughter bond, a bond that nobody else could have with her. But now I guess I feel like it is gone, it was broken. I lost that connection and that is what makes me sad. Is that what causes the lack of emotion??? Or am I really at peace with everything??? Everything is so confusing.

I am not sure if I mentioned this before, but I have imagined the pain and anguish a mother would go through prior to our loss, for many reasons like experiences we have gone through and experiences people we know have gone through. It is NOTHING like you would EVER imagine...NOTHING. However as time passes, I feel like the memories of the time I had with her fades fast. I can't remember how she felt in my arms, I can't remember her smell, I can't remember the sound of her cries or how soft her hair was. I can't remember things that I feel are important. Typing about this makes my arms ache to hold her again.

Getting this all out right now is definitely making me realize that the emotions are there. I don't know if it is me putting our loss behind us, unintentionally, or like I said me just being at peace with things (which if this is this case, I haven't accepted it as the reason). Life is busy, it keeps us busy. Like I said I think of Ava ALL day, most of the time it's about her not being here anymore or of how darn cute she was. I can never get enough of her pictures.

Have I ever mentioned how much I love blogging. It really does help me figure out all the mess in my head : ).

16 comments:

Isabella said...

Oh how I wish I had the answers for you. Amy my heart aches for you everyday. I am always here if you ever need to talk. :)
By the way, I really like the new background!
Love and Prayers Always
Megan
I will call you soon

crackerjacksMO said...

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Your heart will get you through troubled moments.

We are thinking of you and your family. Continue to blog as I think that is a good way to work out whats going on in your mind.

Ashlea said...

There is no way for most of us to relate to what you are going through, but I can tell you that you are right when you say there is no wrong way to grieve. I went to a grief seminar with my mom in November, and the speaker was saying that in my situation, I needed to grieve the fact that I did not have a healthy child. That didn't make sense to me at first. I thought, but he's okay now. But I "got it" after thinking about it all week. That's when I wrote about Caden's feet. It's a blog I wrote, that I re-read a lot. I kept feeling like people just didn't get it. I still feel that way, but blogging has definitely helped me. It may not be that I feel like people don’t get it, but that they have either forgotten or don’t want to think about it that bothers me the most. We are still living with that fear every day. I don't think Paul understands why blogging is so important when it comes to all of our children, but I think it gives all of us a way to just get it out there. Like I told Paul, even if no one reads my stuff, it’s out there, and that’s comforting to me.
I know that every time anyone looks at your blog, they see how much you love BOTH of your children, and that will never change. We can tell. You are keeping Ava’s story alive, and there are more people than you will ever know that think of her on a daily basis, and think of your family and are praying for the healing of all of your hearts.

Ashlea

Anonymous said...

Being a mother, I feel for you, and cannot imagine the emotions you must feel everyday. My guess for feeling so distant and long ago, is that you never got to bring your baby girl home. The hospital is no place to spend every moment with someone, but we do what God chooses of us. When at home you don't look around and see her favorite things or remember her in certain rooms. That was just a different part of your life that never included where you are now. Even though it all came to an end way too soon, all of us readers know by your unending love, that you would do it all over again as opposed to never getting the chance to meet her at all. If using the blog helps you heal and understand, do whatever you need. Your strength is encouraging all those who read. May your days get easier, but your mind and heart never forget. God Bless.

Kyle, Aimee & Ava said...

I wish I could give you the answers that you need but I can't. My heart aches for you. Remember, there is not a right or wrong way to grieve. Just because you don't cry all day, doesn't mean that you're not grieving.

Just remember that each time you talk of or blog about Ava it's because you remember something about her that you want to share. One of the posts above says that your heart will get you through troubled moments.. listen to your heart!

Off subject... I love the new background!

valerie said...

Amy - unfortunately I can relate and I want you to know that everything you've written is normal. That is how I felt. We each have to grieve our own way - and whatever you do is fine.

Valerie
www.chdfamilies.org/noah

Rachel said...

Blogging is a great outlet...let it all out girl! I only wish I could help you. I believe what you are feeling is normal. Everyone grieves differently. Never feel like you are grieving wrong. There is no right or wrong. You are how you are and you feel what you feel.

I am thinking of you always.

Rachel
http://lovefor9.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Amy, I can't imagine how you can write like you do but you should be an author because your blogs are truly a miracle and I cry like a baby everytime I read them. I know God Chose you and Nate especially to have two such wonderful children and you did everything he wanted and more. So please don't be so hard on yourself and keep blogging because you are a wonderful writer and it is helping you as well. If you would like to e-mail me and visit I would love to listen to you. I'm not a writer like you but I would like to be there for you and Nate if you need it. You two are very special people as well as your children. You are all God's miracles. I truly believe that. (summer_mom_66415@yahoo.com)

Tyler Patrick Breuer said...

I've been thinking about you lately and I want to tell you how sorry I am that I haven't posted in a while. I've been without internet basically since the first part of June... (the bad storms fried my modem)

You're right; there is no 'one' way to grieve and your life right now with Kaden IS so busy that sometimes I believe he is actually helping you thru this by keeping your mind from wandering. He is getting so big and improving everyday! I just love your recent ABC video and Father's Day slide.

I think to myself, all the time, about how strong of a woman you must be, to know that you're still able to function on a daily basis. Amy, I know this road is tough, but you have proceeded along this path with much grace... and I admire you for that.

The next time you are having a hard time remembering your baby girl, take a second to sit and hold and smell one of her blankets or onesies; because I believe everytime she's weighing heavily on your mind, it's a sign that Ava is watching over you and thinking about you too at that very moment.

Love you bunches. Big heart hugs!
Kathleen Breuer
Tyler's Mommy, HLHS

Boeckman 6 said...

I know what you are talkiing about and lots of times I feel bad when people ask me how many kids I have and I do not even include Mariah. But if I do and they ask ages or whatever, sometimes it is easier for me not to have to explain her story. And yet I only held her for a very short time, I still know what you mean. But believe me I think it is normal. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her and wonder what she would be like today. Yet at the same time, I feel like we are miles apart. But I know that even with our hectic life, she is not forgotten. The kids often ask about her so I know that even though they did not know her, they still love her and think of her.

I think that it is really hard as busy as we get to think we are giving our angels enough time. But I also believe that they are with us more than we know, and that they can never be forgotten, no matter how busy we get.

Hang in there and if you ever need to talk I am a great listener.

Also I have all the records, so I will send them with Michael and have him get a hold of Nate some day in Manhattan.

Carey said...

Amy I don't think there's a right or wrong way to grieve. Your emotions are your own and I am so glad you have an outlet to get it out. It really does help. Thinking of you all!
Carey & Chelsea

Anonymous said...

Amy - what you are feeling is so normal! I totally have had those same thoughts as I have dealt with the loss of my husband. You are doing the "right" thing by being true to what you are feeling! It is so hard to "move on", it is so hard to live your life when you had planned for that loved on e to be right beside you all of the way. The hardest part about grief is that there is no answer. Everyone goes thru stages at different paces. Not everyone goes thru every stage. Then you will be doing fine for a while - thinking that you have accepted your loss and it hits again. Just feel it. Remember your precious baby girl with fond memories but try to learn to continue to make more memories with your precious Kaden. you are in my prayers.

Rene

Angel Gabi's Mommy said...

Not a day goes by I don't think about you. I want you to know that I totally agree with you on so many of your feelings. Lately I have been feeling as if the whole thing was a dream. I miss everything about Gabi and I too am having such a hard time rememebering things. I do not want to sugar coat and tell you things get easier, because it is not my style to lie. It doesn't get easier, it only gets heavier on the heart, but I have found peace. I know that God had chose Gabi just as he chose us for her. She was an angel here on earth, we were just blessed to have been touched by her, as you were with Ava. There will always be a empty place in our hearts. No child could ever replace or fill that emptiness. But it is how we deal with our situation that can make it better or worse. Focus on the special things that you had with her, your bond could never be forgotten! Focus on how she bought joy to you that only a daughter can. Focus on how much love you gave her and she felt it.
Amy, I am always here for you! They say time heals the heart, I am not sure it heals, but it makes it a little easier to cope. Please call anytime!
Love and Prayers!

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Mia hat eins mehr said...

Amy,

I am so with you. I have the same thoughts, and its very hard. I asked myself as well if Mia has been here for real? Now it is two months ago that she is gone. Last weekend I visited a friend who has a 7 mths baby girl, and she asked me to hold her. I did, and I just thought "oh, that is what it was like to hold Mia." Big sigh. Isn`t that terrible? Or is it just the normal way of body and mind to ease the pain? I have no idea. From my heart I have the feeling it hurts every day a little more. I always go through photos because I am scared I could forget what Mia was, what she looked like and all that. Although I know, she is always with me. Confusing.But I know you understand....love, Claudia

Anonymous said...

You are in my daily thoughts adn prayers. I cannot imagine loosing a child.. But I do know that grieving is so very hard and understanding, "why?" is even harder. I think there is no right or wrong, you are such an amazing writer and an inspiration to many.. I love ya tons and miss you so much, I need a little Amy in my life:) Love ya girl, hang in there!Whitney

Pam said...

I think of you every day. You are an amazing family, and I agree that blogging helps you get through the mess that sometimes builds in your head.

Although my mess is different than your's, I can understand to a point.

I know that you will never forget baby Ava, your love for her and Kaden is so strong. Anyone who reads your blog can see that.

You are the pure definition of the word Mother.

We love you guys.

((HUGS))

Pam and Rhett