A lot has been on my mind lately, especially at night when I am laying in bed trying to go to sleep. Of course, most of it has to do with Ava. I am so confused with my emotions. I continue to feel like I am not grieving like a mommy should. I know that everybody handles things differently and there is not a "right" way to grieve but what I don't know is why it is bothering me so much.
I think about Ava all of the time. I miss her so much...but at the same time I almost felt like I never really had her. I don't want this to come out wrong or for people to take it the wrong way because I loved her and continue to love her more then words can say. It just feels like she left us so long ago. Like it's been years or something since she passed away. The other night when I was laying in bed I started questioning my emotions (or lack of). I started remembering the bond that Ava and I had. We had a very strong bond. I know that she knew who I was. I know that she trusted me and I know that she loved me and she knew that I loved her. I know that I comforted her and she comforted me. I know that I could make her smile and make her feel better. We had that mother and daughter bond, a bond that nobody else could have with her. But now I guess I feel like it is gone, it was broken. I lost that connection and that is what makes me sad. Is that what causes the lack of emotion??? Or am I really at peace with everything??? Everything is so confusing.
I am not sure if I mentioned this before, but I have imagined the pain and anguish a mother would go through prior to our loss, for many reasons like experiences we have gone through and experiences people we know have gone through. It is NOTHING like you would EVER imagine...NOTHING. However as time passes, I feel like the memories of the time I had with her fades fast. I can't remember how she felt in my arms, I can't remember her smell, I can't remember the sound of her cries or how soft her hair was. I can't remember things that I feel are important. Typing about this makes my arms ache to hold her again.
Getting this all out right now is definitely making me realize that the emotions are there. I don't know if it is me putting our loss behind us, unintentionally, or like I said me just being at peace with things (which if this is this case, I haven't accepted it as the reason). Life is busy, it keeps us busy. Like I said I think of Ava ALL day, most of the time it's about her not being here anymore or of how darn cute she was. I can never get enough of her pictures.
Have I ever mentioned how much I love blogging. It really does help me figure out all the mess in my head : ).
Do Not Worry
9 years ago