I haven't heard this song in a long time and heard it tonight. I immediately thought of the love I have for my babies and wanted you all to hear it. I couldn't figure out how to do it other then making a "slideshow." I hope you enjoy it.

Kaden and Angel Ava,
You both have brought so much joy to my life. I feel blessed to be called your mommy. Every minute I have spent with each of you has been a blessing. You both have taught me things I would have NEVER learned from anyone else. You have brought the true meaning of life, love and happiness into my world.

I will love you both forever and ever.

Love Always and Forever,
mommy

On My Mind...

A lot has been on my mind lately, especially at night when I am laying in bed trying to go to sleep. Of course, most of it has to do with Ava. I am so confused with my emotions. I continue to feel like I am not grieving like a mommy should. I know that everybody handles things differently and there is not a "right" way to grieve but what I don't know is why it is bothering me so much.

I think about Ava all of the time. I miss her so much...but at the same time I almost felt like I never really had her. I don't want this to come out wrong or for people to take it the wrong way because I loved her and continue to love her more then words can say. It just feels like she left us so long ago. Like it's been years or something since she passed away. The other night when I was laying in bed I started questioning my emotions (or lack of). I started remembering the bond that Ava and I had. We had a very strong bond. I know that she knew who I was. I know that she trusted me and I know that she loved me and she knew that I loved her. I know that I comforted her and she comforted me. I know that I could make her smile and make her feel better. We had that mother and daughter bond, a bond that nobody else could have with her. But now I guess I feel like it is gone, it was broken. I lost that connection and that is what makes me sad. Is that what causes the lack of emotion??? Or am I really at peace with everything??? Everything is so confusing.

I am not sure if I mentioned this before, but I have imagined the pain and anguish a mother would go through prior to our loss, for many reasons like experiences we have gone through and experiences people we know have gone through. It is NOTHING like you would EVER imagine...NOTHING. However as time passes, I feel like the memories of the time I had with her fades fast. I can't remember how she felt in my arms, I can't remember her smell, I can't remember the sound of her cries or how soft her hair was. I can't remember things that I feel are important. Typing about this makes my arms ache to hold her again.

Getting this all out right now is definitely making me realize that the emotions are there. I don't know if it is me putting our loss behind us, unintentionally, or like I said me just being at peace with things (which if this is this case, I haven't accepted it as the reason). Life is busy, it keeps us busy. Like I said I think of Ava ALL day, most of the time it's about her not being here anymore or of how darn cute she was. I can never get enough of her pictures.

Have I ever mentioned how much I love blogging. It really does help me figure out all the mess in my head : ).

Music...

One of our readers asked where our playlist is because he/she couldn't hear the videos. Well, I got rid of it for the time being so I could make Nate the slideshow and use a certain song without it playing while our playlist is playing. I can not figure out how to get the song off of the slideshow now, so if anyone knows how please let me know. I have tried getting back onto that sight to get rid of it and it keeps saying I am using the wrong password. So either I am losing my mind (because I was pretty sure that I used a certain password) or I am just doing something really wrong. So for know we get to listen to Tough Little Boys for awhile...I hope you guys like that song : )!!!

ABC Song

sorry, I still can not figure out how to rotate videos

Kaden has become a You Tube junkie. He loves this song...it's called the ABC song. I am getting use to it now, but the first few times I heard it I thought I was going to loose my mind.

He has been doing great with trials off of the ventilator (knock on wood). He can stay off of it for up to an hour at a time...depending on how active he is. The one thing that helps him stay off is him sitting at the computer. He likes to walk around when he is off as well, but he can only last about half an hour or so when he is more active. He is doing really well, we are so proud of him. Keep it up big boy.

Angel Ava, we love you and miss you more then words can say.

Trying to do a facelift...

Sorry about the white background...I am in the process of doing a facelift on the blog, however I am not very smart when it comes to those kinds of things. I hope to have it figured out soon, but in the meantime I am just going to leave it white.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY

Meet Moo...

Kansas

Growing up I have been through my share of tornado warnings, fortunately enough one has never hit our city (not since I was born...knock on wood). I have been told that it is because we are in a valley and to tell you the truth, I like the idea of that.

Last night we got fortunate again. My sister called me because she was in a neighboring city and was about to leave to come home. She asked me if I heard anything of a tornado coming towards our city..."WHAT???" was pretty much my reaction. I turned on the news and saw that a tornado had hit a neighboring city west of us and we were directly in it's path. It was a pretty big one at that. Then of course the sirens starting going off and the weatherman warned everyone to take shelter. So Nate and I were getting Kaden in a safe spot in the basement and all of his things (the little booger slept right through it) and then just continued watching the news. How I understand it, about 5-8 miles outside of our town the tornado went back up. However, it touched down again, twice (I think)...this time in the neighboring city east of us, where my sister was. She was lucky enough to have a friend who lived there and had a basement so she was safe.

I just wanted to ask everyone to keep the people affected by these storms in your prayers. Total death rate from these storms are 2 with many injured. I will leave you some pictures from the first tornado that touched down. I did not take them but was e-mailed them from a friend. I do not have any pictures from the other tornado but saw the damage first hand today...it is so sad.

AND THE WINNER IS....

MR. KADEN

Thank you all so much for all of the votes. We couldn't have done it with out you...seriously. I am so excited, I can't wait!!!

Thanks again. I will let you all know when we plan on doing this after I set it up and everything and then you'll have to keep you eyes on a look out for the results (which may I add are going to nothing less then perfect!!). YEA...I can't wait.

DON'T FORGET

Look at this face, how could you not vote!!!

Don't forget to vote for Kaden for the "Cute Kid Contest." You can vote once each day until June 10th at 5:00 pm. Get your votes in!!!! Look at VOTE FOR KADEN post below for details...

LOOK AT ME NOW...

Here is my big boy Kaden, standing and walking by himself. He is getting so big, so fast. Yea, Kaden!!! Go big boy, go.

At the very beginning of this video he is signing "water" well, his version of water. We went to the zoo today, I think the heat (although it was a really nice day) kind of made him thirsty. He has been drinking more water today then he has in a long time. I forgot to bring the camera to the zoo, so I have no pictures. He really enjoyed feeding the goats. Oh, and the monkeys and apes. Kaden couldn't get enough of them. I think him and the apes have a special bond. Last year when we went to the zoo there was one ape who seem to be intrigued by Kaden. He came to the glass and just stared at Kaden, Kaden would put his hand on the glass and the ape would do the same. Well this time, there was an ape already at the glass and when Kaden stood up to the glass it turned around and faced Kaden just staring away. When Kaden started walking away, he turned to watch Kaden. Too cute. Kaden then saw the black and white monkeys with the long fur...can't remember what they are called...those he called Santa Claus Monkeys. I thought that was very creative...and he is still talking about the Santa Monkeys : ).

So this last week was my first week back to work. It went pretty fast. I started by only going back part time, I think I am going to try to get into nursing school. Hopefully I can get in soon, they have a waiting list.

Also on Monday, Nate ended up in the ER. He was cutting the grass on our empty lot (I know that is a scary way to start off, but no it had nothing to do with the mower) and saw a piece of metal. He told me that as he was throwing it, it was going through his head not to and yep he caught his hand on the metal. He ended up with stitches.

That was pretty much all the excitement this week. Oh, except for all of the storms, softball size hail, tornadoes (didn't hit in city limits here) and damages (we got lucky in that area compared to the many others)!!!

I guess I failed to mention...but the voting ends June 10. And yes, you can vote every day...but again only once a day per e-mail address. Thank you sooooo much!!!

VOTE FOR KADEN...PLEASE

We entered Kaden in a "cute kid contest." The winner receives a complimentary session and $75 dollars towards printing. I am really excited. It is through a photographer who took pictures of Kaden when he was in the hospital. She is really good but too expensive for us right now. We haven't taken professional pictures of Kaden since the hospital so I am really excited about this contest.

Please send your vote. To check out the pictures go to http://www.susanrobichaud.blogspot.com To see the pictures, you have to scroll dwon, do not press on any of the options at the top of her page. From there you will see directions. Kaden is #5. I believe all you do is e-mail her at susanrobichaud@gmail.com and in the subject area type in "cute kid vote #5." You are only allowed one vote per e-mail address per day. Please, please, please vote...it would mean a lot to us...you never know, we could win!!!

Thanks...I have a lot to post, but at this moment I don't have the time. I will try tomorrow.

Thanks again!!!