Still here...

Things have been busy around here. I guess that is what comes with having a baby. Blogging has taken a back seat, although I still try to come on and check out other blogs. I also can say I haven't been in the mood to blog. So here I am...prepared to catch you up with our lives.

My new job is going "well". I like it. Toddlers (2 yrs. old, at that), well, I have my moments. I never realized what it is like to be around a real "terrible two" child. OH MY!!! I am so blessed to have Kaden and it really worries me the possibilities of how Brody could turn out to be at this age :). Hopefully, I won't have to experience it with him. Well, and if we do then hopefully I won't have to get my hair colored more frequently then I do now (and no I don't have gray hair yet, at least I don't think I do).

Kaden is getting so big...as always. Potty training is going well. It has been on and off for the longest time and I think he has finally decided he is ready. When he gets home from school he starts wearing his big boy underwear until bedtime. On the weekends it's all day. He is doing well. This last weekend he had an accident once a day, not too shabby. I am so proud of him!!! He shows me more and more how much he knows and how much he wants to say with his "white". This last weekend I found out that Kaden's friend from school (one that he talks about all of the time and gave his phone number to so he could come over and play) lives a block from my parents house. I told him and he then typed "Seth lives by grandpa grandmas house." So later I asked him to tell grandma where his friend lives and he types "at home." DUH MOM!!! Yesterday he had a doctors appt in KC. After getting home we were going to go to my parents and he types "next stop grandpa and grandmas." What a little smarty!!! I also taught him "Daddy is a goober." Great fun.

As I said Kaden had a doctors appt in KC with Cardiology and PT. His heart looks great and the abnormality that they thought they had seen (his tricuspid valve being lower then it should be) they aren't quite sure if it really is there. PT was just to look at how he walked. His ankles roll in a little. There is not much to do about it right now. His legs are like twigs with little muscle right now and his feet are flat. She explained it is from him not baring weight on his feet for a long period of time due to his illness (which we already figured). Other then that all seems to be going well with Kaden besides a little cold or something we all seem to be going through.

Brody is growing. He is such a sweet, happy baby. He smiles all of the time and a couple times I have heard a true laugh. He too is going through some type of cold. His poor eyes (along with Kaden's ) are draining horrible crud. I really need to post pictures of him, but I am lazy enough as it is to blog, pictures is almost a chore right now for me.

It has been almost a year since Ava has passed away. I can't believe it has only been a year. It feels so long ago. I miss her every day, that hasn't changed. I look at her pictures and long to hold her. I try to remember how it felt holding her. Today an image popped in my head with me holding her on a pillow in the PICU (in the big room we were sharing with another baby). I remember sitting in the chair close to the window. I remember how things were set up and it was almost like my mind was taking me back to that time. I am sad. The crazy thing about it is that I am also happy, happy with the life that I am living (who knew you could live life feeling two total opposite feelings). I am happy that Kaden and Brody are in my life. Of course things would be better if Ava was with us, but who knows if it would have been better for her. I have to make myself believe that this was for the better (that sounds horrible). Maybe she was in greater pain then we knew, or maybe she would have endured more pain then I would have wanted to see her in...not that I would want her in any kind of pain. As I have said before, I thank Ava for not leaving her daddy and I with any kind of decision to make, as I don't think I would have been strong enough to let her go. I know that God was with her. I can not say that I do not think that she was scared, because I could see fear in her eyes...as anyone would have had with not being able to breath. I do not think she was scared or feeling pain for a long time, but she did feel it. I am sad and it makes me sick to my stomach thinking that those are the last feelings she might have felt. Did she feel me holding her? I feel horrible for crying during her last breaths. I can't not remembering telling her I love her before she passed. Was I too caught up in my own emotions and feelings? I CAN'T REMEMBER. Why is it I can remember the details of that day, except for this? I remember going to her bedside while they were performing chest compressions and not being able to breath myself so they had me sit. I remember the doctor putting her in my arms and the nurse bagging her for a small period of time. I remember holding her tight and crying. Did I tell her I love her? I'd like to think she knew I loved her. Her first smile was at me, and I got a lot of them. I know she recognized me. How I wish I could have made life better for her. How I wish that I would have known how things would turn out...I could change somethings. I would NEVER change that she was in our lives. I would change little things that happened, like me spending every minute with her, taking more pictures and definitely taking more video. The feeling of frustration with just everything is so overwhelming at times like now. However, I think I am going to end it here before I get too sick to my stomach. I could ramble on and on about my feelings, but luckily for you I will stop here.