Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Still here...

Things have been busy around here. I guess that is what comes with having a baby. Blogging has taken a back seat, although I still try to come on and check out other blogs. I also can say I haven't been in the mood to blog. So here I am...prepared to catch you up with our lives.

My new job is going "well". I like it. Toddlers (2 yrs. old, at that), well, I have my moments. I never realized what it is like to be around a real "terrible two" child. OH MY!!! I am so blessed to have Kaden and it really worries me the possibilities of how Brody could turn out to be at this age :). Hopefully, I won't have to experience it with him. Well, and if we do then hopefully I won't have to get my hair colored more frequently then I do now (and no I don't have gray hair yet, at least I don't think I do).

Kaden is getting so big...as always. Potty training is going well. It has been on and off for the longest time and I think he has finally decided he is ready. When he gets home from school he starts wearing his big boy underwear until bedtime. On the weekends it's all day. He is doing well. This last weekend he had an accident once a day, not too shabby. I am so proud of him!!! He shows me more and more how much he knows and how much he wants to say with his "white". This last weekend I found out that Kaden's friend from school (one that he talks about all of the time and gave his phone number to so he could come over and play) lives a block from my parents house. I told him and he then typed "Seth lives by grandpa grandmas house." So later I asked him to tell grandma where his friend lives and he types "at home." DUH MOM!!! Yesterday he had a doctors appt in KC. After getting home we were going to go to my parents and he types "next stop grandpa and grandmas." What a little smarty!!! I also taught him "Daddy is a goober." Great fun.

As I said Kaden had a doctors appt in KC with Cardiology and PT. His heart looks great and the abnormality that they thought they had seen (his tricuspid valve being lower then it should be) they aren't quite sure if it really is there. PT was just to look at how he walked. His ankles roll in a little. There is not much to do about it right now. His legs are like twigs with little muscle right now and his feet are flat. She explained it is from him not baring weight on his feet for a long period of time due to his illness (which we already figured). Other then that all seems to be going well with Kaden besides a little cold or something we all seem to be going through.

Brody is growing. He is such a sweet, happy baby. He smiles all of the time and a couple times I have heard a true laugh. He too is going through some type of cold. His poor eyes (along with Kaden's ) are draining horrible crud. I really need to post pictures of him, but I am lazy enough as it is to blog, pictures is almost a chore right now for me.

It has been almost a year since Ava has passed away. I can't believe it has only been a year. It feels so long ago. I miss her every day, that hasn't changed. I look at her pictures and long to hold her. I try to remember how it felt holding her. Today an image popped in my head with me holding her on a pillow in the PICU (in the big room we were sharing with another baby). I remember sitting in the chair close to the window. I remember how things were set up and it was almost like my mind was taking me back to that time. I am sad. The crazy thing about it is that I am also happy, happy with the life that I am living (who knew you could live life feeling two total opposite feelings). I am happy that Kaden and Brody are in my life. Of course things would be better if Ava was with us, but who knows if it would have been better for her. I have to make myself believe that this was for the better (that sounds horrible). Maybe she was in greater pain then we knew, or maybe she would have endured more pain then I would have wanted to see her in...not that I would want her in any kind of pain. As I have said before, I thank Ava for not leaving her daddy and I with any kind of decision to make, as I don't think I would have been strong enough to let her go. I know that God was with her. I can not say that I do not think that she was scared, because I could see fear in her eyes...as anyone would have had with not being able to breath. I do not think she was scared or feeling pain for a long time, but she did feel it. I am sad and it makes me sick to my stomach thinking that those are the last feelings she might have felt. Did she feel me holding her? I feel horrible for crying during her last breaths. I can't not remembering telling her I love her before she passed. Was I too caught up in my own emotions and feelings? I CAN'T REMEMBER. Why is it I can remember the details of that day, except for this? I remember going to her bedside while they were performing chest compressions and not being able to breath myself so they had me sit. I remember the doctor putting her in my arms and the nurse bagging her for a small period of time. I remember holding her tight and crying. Did I tell her I love her? I'd like to think she knew I loved her. Her first smile was at me, and I got a lot of them. I know she recognized me. How I wish I could have made life better for her. How I wish that I would have known how things would turn out...I could change somethings. I would NEVER change that she was in our lives. I would change little things that happened, like me spending every minute with her, taking more pictures and definitely taking more video. The feeling of frustration with just everything is so overwhelming at times like now. However, I think I am going to end it here before I get too sick to my stomach. I could ramble on and on about my feelings, but luckily for you I will stop here.

10 comments:

Boeckman mommy said...

I am feeling your pain, just from your writing. I know exactly what you mean also. I wish we would have had a video of Mariah. We just weren't expecting her to be such a baby already at that age. I am sure Ava could feel the love you all shared with her. She is truely blessed with great parents. And I am sure that you told her over and over again how much she was loved. Thinking of you guys tonight and sending our love. Hope we get to see you soon.
XOXO
Amy

Liz and Shane said...

Post pictures of your boys when you get a chance. I want to see the cuties.
I think of your precious Ava. I know that she knew you loved her dont ever think twice about that. She felt your love from the time she was inside of you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Zachery&Allie*Mommy said...

sounds like you are a pretty busy mommy, that is great about Kaden and and Amy sometimes it is good to rambel to get your feelings out! I feel for you everytime I read you write about your daughter, I couldn't even imagine:( so we are still at Mercy, Zachery is STILL trying to recover from his surgery, he is not tolerating his feedings anymore he had so much wrong on the inside, man what these poor little boys have to go through. Hope all is going well for you and your family!

mkowalczyk said...

Hi - I am soooo glad you guys are ok. I was getting worried since you hadn't posted lately. I know you don't know me and I don't know you, but I feel like I do know you because I know soooo much about your life. Your post about Ava broke my heart. I wish that noone had to go through what you and your family went through with her. It is weird how it seems like sooo long ago, but the wounds are still fresh. They say time heals everything, but I don't know if I could ever heal. You really are an amazing person. I wish that we lived closer so I could meet you in person (and I would LOVE to meet Kaden and Brody), but I live in Connecticut. I have a son that is 4 1/2 months old that would just love to play with your boys! Take care and know that people are thinking about you and praying for you...even if some of us are strangers. P.S. I like your new background!

Rachel said...

You are in my constant thoughts and prayers every single day!

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling but so happy for you at the same time that you have your boys to come home to everyday.

If you ever need to just talk and have someone just listen...you let me know.

Send me an email at luvfor9@gmail.com and I will give you my cell number!

Love & Prayers,

Your Friend,
Rachel

Jenny said...

My heart is breaking for you and your story always brings tears to my eyes. You should never feel bad about sharing your story- that helps those of us out here know how we can pray for you and for your healing! You are telling Ava's story, and it's a story that deserves to be told! She WAS here-she WAS real-and she DID have an impact on this world! You should continue to share her story as long as you want to. You may not have all the pictures you wanted to take, but have you ever considered having her name written in the sand and photographed? There's a website that you should look into- a lady in Australia that lost her precious baby and now goes to the beach and writes angel babies names in the sand. I can't think of her blog address right now, but I will leave another comment with it! You've probably already seen her blog! Take care and I will pray for you guys!

Jenny said...

Okay, I'm back! The website is www.scarletriver26.blogspot.com
Click on "my projects" and you can read about how she writes names in the sand and she has other support stuff there as well. Ava was a beautiful baby- thanks for sharing her with me- you really DO have an impact on those that don't know you personally!!! And I ADORE your boys as well!!!!!!

SonnysWife0307 said...

wow i was just looking at all the pictures of kaden and brody.. man they are so adorable amy.... I am so happy for you:D.... I hope all is going well and I hope one day Ill be able to come back up there to see you all again....

love yall,
Leslie

Anonymous said...

Hi Amy,
It has been to long since since we have chatted! I am so happy that Kaden is such a smarty pants and I am sure that Brody's smiles and laughs are so precious. Ava knew you loved her so much, but I understand completely the things we wish we would have done or said. And how is it that we can't remember some things? Just remember you were everything to her. ... You are an amazing mom.

Love,
Kristy

BiLlY, sAm, AnD bOyS!!! said...

Can't wait to see pictures of the boys! Sounds like they are both doing well and happy!

I wish I could help in some way by taking the pain away but I just want to say one thing- we have never met or spoken to each other except for blogs/emails, and If I can feel how much you love Ava then she is SURE to know that- even if it wasn't said in her last minutes. You are an amazing mother and she is one lucky lil angel to have you. Kaden and Brody are just as lucky. You may not remember how she felt or smelled but I truly believe she is with you always- and you may not realize it or feel it unless it is in the times when SHE thinks you need her most. I hope I am making sense. I can't imagine what you have been through and the emotions you must feel- I just hope you know you are in my thoughts and If I could do anything to help- I would in a second.